34 Republican congressmen are confirmed to have died shortly after midnight on Friday. The "Mayan-Apocalypse" tragedy occurred at a tobacco factory owned by Speaker of the House of Representatives, John Boehner. Speaker Boehner and his colleagues — the cream of the GOP congressional leadership — had retreated to the Ohio tobacco oasis to unwind after the real fiscal cliff negotiations broke down before congressional vacation. The factory's quarantine system was activated by a strange magnetic field high above the building, locking the group in an air-tight smoke testing room. In a cruel twist of fate, shortly after the doors locked, the room filled with the smoke from Speaker Boehner's favorite tobacco leaf, "Orange Leather," asphyxiating everyone within minutes.
To make matters worse, President Obama, upon learning of the tragedy, suffered a catastrophic mental breakdown in the Oval Office. White House staff, speaking on condition of anonymity because it was all bullshit, told reporters that the president fought off repeated attempts of the Secret Service to restrain him. As of 1P.M. EST, the president had barricaded the doors to the Oval Office slowly degenerating into a schizophrenic delirium as he conjured the appearance of both the late Speaker Boehner and incoming House Budget Committee Chair, Eric Cantor, who also perished at the tobacco factory.
Initial reports suggest that the president began displaying the tell-tale signs of schizophrenia and picked up fiscal cliff negotiations where the two parties had left off days before. Staffers hinted that the president has broken his own promise "Not negotiate with himself ... not like last year", referring to last year's debt-ceiling negotiations and the perceived GOP resistance to any compromise with the Democrats on tax hikes and spending.
At one point during his schizophrenic episode, the president reached a stalemate in negotiations when Boehner and Cantor walked away from the negotiating table in protest of the president's proposed tax-rate rises and lack of spending cuts. Surprisingly, the president's crazed negotiations are far less constructive than the actual negotiations between Democrats and Republicans. This in spite of the fact that the president is indeed negotiating with himself.
As the confrontational disagreement unfolded, a shrill voice was heard yelling, "That's simply unacceptable, Mr. President! I could never get the votes to pass that!"Those closest to the incident speculate that this claim came from none other than the president's imagined Speaker John Boehner. The president immediately returned fire, yelling at the absent men: "Under no circumstances will I negotiate with myself! Do you hear me Boehner!?!? Never again!"
After this outburst, Secretary Geithner feverishly tried to pry the doors to the Oval Office open, falling to his knees only after severe exhaustion sapped him of his strength. He then buried his face in his hands and began weeping uncontrollably as staff and security tried to shield the Treasury secretary from cameras.
After a short interval, the secretary composed himself long enough to offer this chilling account of the president's negotiations: "I... I can't... The president is literally negotiating with himself. A few weeks ago we had drawn a red line in the sand... everything was okay... but... I can't believe what is happening right now."