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Golden Globe 2013 Winners: LIVE Updates On All the Winners and Nominees

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Best Motion Picture Drama: Argo

I screamed with delight when this won, not because I think it remotely deserved it, but because I think it is absolutely hilarious that it has won. It's like the Academy moved on from this, very sensibly, and nobody else got the memo. They all seem vaguely confused by what's happening to them, which I understand. Let's all hope this doesn't happen again next month!

And that's all, folks! I wish, like Tina and Amy, I were going home with Jodie Foster, but alas, I am going to watch the season premiere of Girls instead. Which, let's be real, is not a particularly terrible fate.

Thanks for reading, everybody! It's been real. I'll have a post up tomorrow morning about what tonight means for the Oscars, so check back for that then!

Best Actor and Actress in a Drama: Daniel Day-Lewis, "Lincoln," & Jessica Chastain, "Zero Dark Thirty"

Clooney pointedly congratulated Ben Affleck before announcing Best Actress in a Drama, which goes to Jessica Chastain. She's wanted to be an actress since she was a little girl, and she is talking about it very eloquently. Mark Boal and Kathryn Bigelow look thrilled for her. Her dress is a nightmare, but she is a stunningly beautiful woman, wow. This is seriously a fantastic speech. She's comparing her character to Kathryn Bigelow, and has praised her for everything she's done for women in cinema.

That was a perfect speech. If you're not actually watching this, please check it out tomorrow.

Now, Best Actor in a Drama: Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln! He always gives magnificent speeches himself; you can tell he was the son of a poet. If they play him off, I am going to scream. THE SECOND I TYPED THAT THEY STARTED PLAYING HIM OFF, I SHOULD NEVER TYPE ANYTHING AGAIN. This is agonizing. He doesn't seem to care, though, he's just kept going. Beautiful.

Best Comedy/Musical: "Les Miserables"

Jeremy Renner is introducing the clip for Zero Dark Thirty, as well he should. I love you, Jeremy Renner. And you, Kathryn Bigelow! Go home tonight and comfort yourself with your Oscar, lady.

And now it's time for Best Picture - Comedy/Musical. It goes to Les Mis, which I find preposterous, but whatever. As I just said, I don't hate this movie - I enjoyed it! - but it is so far from "good" cinema, I can't even handle it. I encourage everybody to read Film Crit Hulk's article: "Film Crit Hulk Smash: HULK VS. TOM HOOPER AND ART OF CINEMATIC AFFECTATION," which explains exactly how Tom Hooper's abysmal direction basically destroyed everything it could have been. Don't reward this, guys! Don't do it!

Oh my god, if this movie wins Best Picture at the Oscars, my head is going to explode. The fact that I feel this strongly about it probably means it will. Damn it.

Best Actor in a Comedy/Musical: Hugh Jackman, "Les Mis"

Jennifer Garner has thanked Grant Heslov and George Clooney on behalf of her husband, who forgot to thank them in his speech about Argo!

And Hugh Jackman has won Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy for playing Jean Valjean in Les Mis. I thought he was great in the movie, although I didn't love the film, but Jackman is such an eminently lovable guy that it's absolutely impossible to resent his presence on this stage. He's enthusiastically praising his wife, who seems like an eminently classy broad. Good job, Hugh.

Best Director: Ben Affleck, "Argo" & Best TV Comedy: "Girls"

To the amusement of everybody at my watch party, Ben Affleck has just won the award for best direction, despite not being nominated for an Oscar. I did not like Argo, but I'm okay with this, because he just compared Paul Thomas Anderson, my personal hero, to Orson Welles.

I have been rooting against Ben Affleck all year, even though I love him dearly, because I disliked this movie so much, but I'm feeling much more sympathetic to him now, because he is so unbelievably nervous, he's reminding me of himself, fifteen years ago, accepting an Oscar for Good Will Hunting. Where is Matt Damon? He is probably the only thing that would make this speech more entertaining.

Also, there's no chance of him winning an Oscar. Which helps!

And now, Lena Dunham is going onstage again for Girls, which just won Best Comedy. She just screamed! She has another speech written on a piece of paper. In the future, she'll probably get better at this, but I'm still okay with this, because I'm just so happy about this happening. And she's not actually using it! So, fine. The Globes have trditionally been better at rewarding daring, younger programming (think: Arrested Development), so it's not surprising that they've gone with Girls, but it's still really encouraging for good programming. Long live Lena, guys.

Cecil B. DeMille Award: Jodie Foster

And Tina and Amy are back! "You know what, Taylor Swift, you stay away from Michael J. Fox's son," Tina Fey announces.

Robert Downey Jr. is presenting Jodie Foster with her Cecil B. DeMille Award, and if there was any doubt that he actually is Tony Stark in real life, this speech should send those right out the window. Jodie Foster has just been presented with a platter of stuffed hampsters, and I am not going to give you any context for that! Because it's actually better if you don't know.

This award is given to an accomplished actor (or director, etc) who has also made signifiacnt philanthropic contributions, and it's rarely given to women, so it's a real honor for her to be getting it.

She is probably the most casual recipient of any award all night. This makes sense, since she knew it was coming, but she seriously seems incredibly comfortable up there. Kind of like she doesn't give a damn! And she's praising the crew! She's talking about how important privacy is, which she hasn't had much of, since she's been in the business since she was three.

Everybody is crying, because this is a fucking unbelievable speech. I really can't say anything else about it. People in my watch party are crying, too. Good job, lady.

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Best Animated Feature Film: "Brave" & Best Actress in a TV Comedy: Lena Dunham, "

I'm very pleased about this, too, although since it's the only animated film I've seen this year, my opinion probably shouldn't count for this.

The director is, um, loud. He's very excited! We'll give him the benefit of the doubt. Lots of groans at my watch party at his comment that Disney was "brave" for making the movie. Also a bit of an awkward moment as he thanked Nancy Chapman for coming up with "an amazing story," when she was initialliy directing the movie before... um... being let go?

Meanwhile, Aziz Ansari has announced that the cast of Downton Abbey is handing out pot brownies backstage. He can't feel his ears! Tina Fey is sitting with JLo, Amy Poehler's on Clooney's lap. But the award goes to Lena Dunham for Girls! She's reading her speech, but it's a lovely speech, and she is shaking with nerves, so I'll give her a pass. Judd Apatow, she says, is "the greatest honorary girl."

Best Foreign Film: "Amour" & Best Actress in a TV Drama: Claire Danes, "Homeland"

Michael Haneke has won for Amour, unsurprisingly. The fact that a movie like Amour can be considered an unsurprising win is kind of amazing, I've got to say, even though I wasn't personally a hgue fan. I'm also impressed with his speech, since I've actually met him and know that he does not speak English fluently. He very graciously and appropriately thanks his lead actors, who are indeed the best parts of his film.

In another unsurprising turn of events, Claire Danes has won for Homeland and is praising her competitors as "badass." She's thanking everybody very graciously, and just made a joke about how "Carrie was, in fact, carrying" a child. She's now thanked her son for helping her fight the war against terrorism. I love you, too, Claire Danes! Tonight has been a good night for female celebrities.

Best Screenplay: Quentin Tarantino, "Django Unchained" & Best Actor in a TV Series, Comedy: Don Cheadle, "House of Lies"

Robert Pattinson has emerged from his cave to present an award to Quentin Tarantino, thereby encouraging him to continue not editing himself! He also needs to maybe get a better tailor, since that suit was not made for him.

And then there's Jeremy Irons, whose introduction of Salmon Fishing in the Yemen is making it sound considerably more dramatic and exciting than it presumably is. This is particularly ironic given that the HFPA has decided to claim that it is a comedy.

Aaaand everybody is very surprised to hear that Don Cheadle has won best actor in a comedy show. I love Don Cheadle, so this is fine. This awards show really, really like giving awards to movie stars, but if they're gonna do that, might as well give stuff to people like Julianne Moore and Don Cheadle, who are so deserving. Let's just give lots of awards to the entire cast of Boogie Nights! That would actually be a pretty good idea.

Best Supporting Actor in a TV Program: Ed Harris, "Game Change" & Best Supporting Actress, Motion Picture: Anne Hathaway, "Les Mis"

MY GIRL ANNIE. I really have nothing to say about this, except that I am so very pleased. And what a classy, funny, heartfelt speech. I look forward to seeing a couple more of these this year! It'll be a good time.

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Golden Globe 2013 Winners: LIVE Updates On All the Winners and Nominees

If the Oscars are the respected elder statesman of awards season, the Golden Globes are definitely the drunk younger cousin. Though the Hollywood Foreign Press' nominees can occasionally be befuddling — Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, anyone? — their broadcast is almost always more entertaining, both because he show is shorter, snappier, and because of the open bar.

This year, Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty are duking it out for Best Movie — Drama, while Best Movie — Comedy or Musical is likely to go to Les Misérables or Silver Linings Playbook. Though Globe winners don't always translate into Oscar winners, seeing who wins and who gives good speeches can offer a preview for Oscar night, though that ceremony's still over a month away.

But let's be honest: there are more pressing matters at hand. Who will wear the most insane dress? Will any moment at this year's ceremony match George Clooney's extended joke about Michael Fassbender's golf-playing abilities at last year's ceremony? Will the HFPA give Meryl Streep an award for Hope Springs purely to allow her a venue for drunken speech-giving? And most importantly, just how much better will Tina Fey and Amy Poehler be at hosting this gig than Ricky Gervais?

The Golden Globes air this Sunday, January 13, at 8 PM on NBC. Stay tuned for LIVE updates on all the festivities of the evening.

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