Sure, this year’s Super Bowl extravaganza saw the usual smattering of objectified women and stale gender stereotypes. But there were also some inspired and (dare I say it) glorious moments for the ladies, none of which — it turns out — had anything to do with football.
Here are the top five moments for the female gender at the Super Bowl, though this list might look a little different if I hadn’t missed the Paul Rudd Samsung commercial, which let’s be honest, sounds pretty awesome.
1. Jennifer Hudson upstages the Newtown kids.
Donning the latest in slutty orthodox Jewish girl chic, Jennifer wore what appeared to be a pleather turtleneck, a skintight white pencil skirt and black fuck-me boots, accomplishing the seemingly impossible feat of revealing nothing and everything at the exact same time.
But really, J. Hud’s rendition of “America the Beautiful” was a stunning performance and gave those Sandy Hook choir kids an important life lesson in having your big moment stolen from you by the hot girl who really doesn’t need all the extra attention anyway.
2. Brad Pitt provides impossibly sexy, fantasy Moshiach-type in World War Z.
While I prefer a climate change-related storyline to a zombie takeover, World War Z still combines two of my favorite, if entirely overused, blockbuster movie tropes: hot, manly men and the end of the world. If it’s got major catastrophic events leading to an apocalyptic nightmare, and a handsome, rugged father protecting his family from the impending doom — John Cusack didn’t quite cut it in 2012, but Dennis Quaid certainly did in The Day After Tomorrow — then as far as I’m concerned, the film is a success.
These movies also make me feel better about my prepper urges, prodding me to take some more self defense classes and keeping stocking up on non-perishables and batteries.
3. Amy Poehler kills it in Best Buy ad.
Teaching the world the word “dongle,” walking around the Best Buy store like she owns the place, and blatantly hitting on the young salesman, Amy is presumably playing herself in what was by far one of the best (if not The Best) Super Bowl commercials this year. My only complaint is that there were no Hillary Clinton references, though “Will this one read Fifty Shades of Grey to me in sexy voice? Will you?” almost makes up for it.
Amy, if you’re reading this, I really think we should hang out. Tweet at me, @deenashanker.
4. Beyoncé literally steals Super Bowl’s thunder in halftime performance, potentially causing game-stopping blackout.
Blowing America’s collective mind on a stage made of the reflected image of her own face, the superstar had so many likenesses of herself dancing around that I quickly lost count of how many Beyoncés there were on stage at any given moment.
Despite the kaleidoscopic visuals, record-breaking hair tosses, and brief but still exciting Destiny’s Child reunion, I have to admit that I was a little disappointed there was no surprise Jay-Z cameo. But then I realized that it wasn’t because he wouldn’t do Bey the favor, or because she didn’t want to share spotlight. It was because she was putting on (the first ever?) all female halftime show and Jigga Man just didn’t belong.
5. Marta takes home the MVP title in Puppy Bowl 9.
Small and scrappy, I’d like to say I see a lot of myself in the breakout star and MVP of this year’s Puppy Bowl, Marta. Despite being one of the most diminutive pups on the field, the Schnauzer/Beagle mix “out-hustled and out-muscled dogs twice her size,” proving to girls everywhere that you don’t need Beyoncé’s moves, Amy Poehler’s gravitas, or Jennifer Hudson’s power bangs to make your mark.
Described as “tiny but not delicate,” “feisty,” and “deceptively athletic,” I think all of us short, frizzy-haired gals have something to learn from the MVP.