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7 Reasons Why the 2013 Oscars Were A Waste Of Time to Watch

I watched the entire program last night, and this morning I feel ashamed that I did. The gathering of movie stars and star-f***ers on the West Coast is a truly garish event. In fact, it is one of several annual ceremonies where celebrities bestow praise on each other for making movies. The proceedings are an opportunity for very attractive people to show their stuff. Why is it that making a movie is such a valued talent? Worse, why is that those who read lines are the highest paid and the most adulated? Not one person was cured of a disease or rescued from oppression or afforded a better life because of the program.

I suppose I should be less critical as I participated by viewing it. Since I spent the whole evening looking at the fabulously beautiful women in wildly expensive gowns and priceless diamonds pursing their lips and spinning around so the cameras could take pictures of their lovely figures, I should offer my remarks. I forewarn you, I am catty.

1. The Host:

Seth MacFarlane, who I never heard of, did a great job. He was responsible for roasting the attendees and being a little off color. Seth's innocent boyish looks made his commentary that much more acerbic. Movie stars don't have to be politically correct because they are . . .  movie stars. Seth crossed the line several times, I laughed at his jokes. I especially liked the song about exposed breasts, probably because the ladies thought it was inappropriate, especially Charlize Theron.

2. The Acceptance Speeches:

The best way to watch the Oscars is to record the program so you can fast forward past the speeches. I found not a single speech to be worthwhile, even mildly interesting, or meaningful to society. OK, Daniel Day Lewis' comments were pretty good.

3. The Gowns:

I'm no fashionista. Can a guy be a fashionista? But, it seems to me that the gowns are getting lower on top and longer on the bottom. I have no complaints about more skin. Jennifer Lawrence's dress was so long that she tripped on it while on the way to collecting her award. I like her so, I felt bad that she was splayed across the steps on her big night. By the way, I though Anne Hathaway was adorable, Catherine Zeta Jones was amazing, Charlize Theron gorgeous, and even Barbra Streisand, who I can't stand, looked good.

4. Hair:

I would say that short hair for the women is making a comeback; for the record, my women wear it long. Robin Roberts, I assume because of her illness, looked beautiful with no hair. Anne Hathaway, whose hair was cut off in Les Miserables, was stunning, and Charlize Theron supported this new trend, even though her roots were dark. Halle Berry has been sporting short hair for a long time and was a knockout.

5. In Your Face Moment:

Quentin Tarantino was finally recognized for his outstanding movies that he directs, writes, and cameos in. In Django Unchained, he gets blown up at the end of the movie. He got killed in his other films as well. I love it when the bad boys take the trophy.

6. Sentimental Favorite:

Quvenzhane Wallis was a real long shot for best actress. She is really cute and purported herself well given her age. No way she was going to win.

7. The Guys:

Robert DeNiro seemed to be unhappy at the ceremony. Russell Crowe was somber. Jack Nicholson was ecstatic to being the cleanup guy, and he got to speak with the first lady. Denzel Washington knew he had no chance, but he looked very cool.

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