Gay marriage ruined my life. I have been silent until now, comforted by the knowledge that only a few renegade states allow the despicable practice. But when I saw that the debate was being held at the highest level, I decided to share my story, so that more people could better understand the disastrous effects that gay marriage would have on the American family.
I was happily married to my high school sweetheart for seven years and we had a five-year-old son named Bobby, whom we of course conceived in wedlock. We had a nice home in Iowa, in a town full of hard working, God-fearing Americans, who respected the sacred institution of marriage. Then one day a gay couple moved in next to us and my life began to unravel.
It started with my son. He saw the couple kiss one day and asked why, "Those men are kissing each other, the way you and mommy do?"
I explained that God gave us free will, the right to choose our own actions, and that some people use this free will to choose negative actions, like engaging in sodomy, bestiality, or ingesting black tar heroin. He was so upset by their choice to be gay that the next day, while playing on the jungle gym, he slipped, fell, and broke his arm. The school nurse called my wife, who was busy placing an apple pie on the windowsill to cool, but I had taken our only car to work, so she was forced to ask our gay neighbors to borrow their car, which they allowed, clearly knowing what would happen next.
While texting me the upsetting news about our son, my wife ran a red light, was t-boned by an 18 wheeler, and died immediately.
Inconsolable, my life splintered like the bones in my son’s arm, I turned to the only thing that could truly bring me comfort: black tar heroin. Now orphaned and confused, my son began a romantic relationship with a donkey and started his own business replacing hotel Bibles with the Koran.
This story is not easy for me to tell, but I have scraped myself out of a gutter (literally) and glued my fingernails back on so that I can type this for you. We must act. We must not let the communists in the White House ruin the American family, and with it, the American way of life that was so carefully constructed by the founding fathers, and blessed by our Lord.
Have we not forgotten the principles set forth in America’s most sacred documents? The Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman and the Constitution clearly states that we live in one nation, under God. Our founding fathers respected the institution of marriage through fidelity and respect for their wives. I used to live like them, until the gays ruined my family. So, in the name of the founders, as a personal victim of gay marriage, I want to address some of the common misconceptions in the liberal media.
1. It is OK for gay parents to adopt children: The evidence clearly shows that gay couples are incapable of raising a healthy child. Just because I can’t find any evidence doesn’t mean that I can’t not find any evidence, which means they must be bad parents. As soon as I get better at searching the interwebs I will show you.
2. Civil unions are not an acceptable substitute for marriage: All of the legal and tax implications for civil unions and marriages are identical, so what are they complaining about? They whine about equality when they are equal, we just want to keep them separate from marriage.
3. Sodomy is OK: It is not. Marriages are about love, not sodomy. I realize sodomy technically also includes oral sex, but my marriage was perfectly healthy without such filthy acts. If it wasn’t God’s will, why would we call it the "missionary position?"
4. Marriage doesn’t have to be about having children: If you get married, you must have children. Jefferson clearly stated that in the Constitution.
5. Being against gay marriage is bigoted: Just because I want to restrict the rights of someone for being born a certain way does not make me a bigot. I’m just respecting States' rights.
We live in the land of the free, not the home of the gay. Act now to stop these gays from ruining the American family.