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3 Reasons Why Dating the Wendy's Girl Would Suck

Wendy's most recent ad campaign chronicles the adventures of a red-haired woman infatuated with their fast-food eatery, and she's pretty cute. The crimson-haired burger pusher, whom we’ll refer to as Red, is played by Morgan Smith Goodwin, a 28-year old actress from Birmingham, Alabama who appeared in an off-Broadway show called "Freckleface Strawberry" before landing her big break.

It’s completely fair to fantasize about doing it Wendy's way and getting hot and juicy with this lovely lady. Really, she seems like an ideal girlfriend: She looks good, doesn’t mind eating fast food, and she looks good. But like in any relationship, once the infatuation-fueled honeymoon phase is over, you start to notice the blemishes and suddenly, the wall of photos of Ronald Reagan with his eyes cut out isn't as adorable as it used to be.

The same is true here and upon closer inspection, it turns out it would suck pretty hard to date the Wendy's girl, for several reasons:

1. She’s a one-upper:

You get a promotion at work and you're excited, so you tell her about it. She says, "Wow, that’s cool. Oh yeah: I bought Nike." Red spent over 10 billion dollars just to make you feel like trash. Why? Because she is a one-upper.

In this ad, a guy she's having lunch with is pretty happy about saving a few bucks on his burger, but instead of letting him have his moment, she has to be a dick and point out her delicious Wendy's food and make him feel bad about himself. Even after he sadly looks at his burger, she rubs it in by having some of her Frosty and moaning, "Mmmmmm."

2. She encourages poor health choices:

You get home from your new job. You had a big, late lunch with a client and want a light dinner when you get home, so you make a salad. It's not great, but it tastes decent and it'll hold you over. Suddenly and out of nowhere, Red produces a Mozzarella Chicken Supreme meal. You can't not eat it because she went through the trouble of getting it for you, so you eat a lot more in one day than you should. Red loves Wendy's so much it's all she wants anybody to ever eat, even if it slowly kills them or worse, makes them fat.

In this ad, the girl convinces a mother to give up the 500 calorie meal she brought with her for a Mozzarella Chicken Supreme sandwich meal, which clocks in at over 1300 calories, almost three times as much as her original meal.

To put that in perspective, the average female (around 5'4", 120 pounds) should take in about 1800 calories per day, give or take. That one meal is nearly three quarters of the recommended daily intake. That meal also contains about 50 grams of fat, which is darn close to the 60 recommended daily grams for the same average female.

3. Wendy’s is all she thinks and talks about:

You had a rough day at work and really want to talk about it. You tell Red about your problem and she says, "You know what would help? A Double Stack and a Frosty!" You see, Wendy's is the only thing on her mind at all times.

In this commercial, the girl goes up to a stranger and is telling him to eat at Wendy's within ten seconds. Not only that, but as you can see at the end of the ad, she actually follows him there to make sure that he does.

In this next commercial ...

... Wendy's movie-ruining, awful human of a friend ruins their hangout, so with nothing left to do, obviously she says they should go to Wendy's because that's all that's on her mind ever.

If you ever find yourself in a committed, romantic involvement with Red, run. Get out of there as fast as you can, before you end up discouraged, fat, and with an inexplicable and constant craving for a Baconator.

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