Robin van Persie Is a Pawn of Billionaire Soros: Why Manchester United Is the Start of a Global Liberal Invasion

Perhaps some of you have heard that infamous liberal billionaire George Soros has recently purchased a significant amount of stock in the now-publicly traded soccer club Manchester United. (What’s that? You didn’t hear about this? Oh.)

Well, perhaps some of you are wondering what the vast implications are of Soros purchasing 7.85% of Manchester United’s Class A shares. And perhaps you’re also wondering what the difference between Class A shares and Class B shares is. Well, Class B shares have 10 times the voting power of Class A shares. Taking that into account, Soros holds roughly 2% of the total stake in Man U and has even less than a 50th of a say in how the team is run. In other words, even the fleeting attention that Soros’ purchase has garnered in the press is virtually unjustified; his purchase literally has no effect on the team.

Which is exactly what George Soros wants you to think.

See, as this vaguely familiar paranoid citizen with a cane and a chalkboard points out, Soros has been building a massive liberal empire hell-bent on ushering in a new, liberal world order. And what better way to implement his devious strategies than by subverting our proud Western capitalist cultures through what is perhaps the most consumed form of media in this day and age: internet pornography.

Sorry, I meant “sports.”

But think about it for a moment: Soros now controls the most popular soccer (or “football,” as you Europeans continue to foolishly refer to it as) club in Europe, and the most valuable sports team in the world. Sure, you could argue he doesn’t actually control it because he only owns 2% of the team, but we all know that he actually owns the remaining 98% through obscure financial connections that I would explain here, but really it’d work better if I had a chalk board. Just take my word for it, ok?

This marks the beginning of Soros’ liberal inquisition into the wide world of sports. If he’s started with taking over the most valuable sports team in the world, what could possibly be his next move? Will he purchase the New York Yankees? The Dallas Cowboys? The Washington Redskins, who – in open defiance of all logic and reason – are somehow the 5th most valuable sports team in the world? The entire National Hockey League? No sports team or institution is safe! Except NASCAR, obviously.

So keep your eyes out. When you see Wayne Rooney and Robin van Persie get gay-married during Man U’s home opener this Saturday, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Celebrity millionaires and billionaires who purchase stock in sports teams never fail to influence how those teams behave. (Although they may fail to acquire the best center in the league, damning their team to yet another year of mediocrity.) And now with Soros influencing sports, it looks like his political influences will prevent us from looking to sports and athletes to exemplify the virtues we try to abide by in everyday life.

And if none of that happens, well, what did you expect? He only bought a 2% share, after all.