An Open Letter to America and Israel, From Iran Leader Ayatollah Khamenei

Halay Shuma Chetore? (How are you in Farsi)

This is yours truly, the one, the only, the holiest of holies, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. I’d like to fill all of you American and Israeli officials in on my thought process for a day, so that you can understand just what I think of you, how I calculate my moves to counter yours, and what my plans are should you decide to take things a bit too far against my country. 

First off, you can be absolutely sure that this is me talking; not one of my Revolutionary Guards commanders or some young, arrogant, know-it-all blogger for PolicyMic, no no, and I can prove it to you; just check out my Instagram!

I’ll try and make this quick since I have to get back to plotting Israel’s demise … JUST KIDDING! Geez, you guys take things way out of context, but more about that later. Anyways, let’s get down to brass tacks. First, you two have done a whole lot to piss the Iranian people off over the past 60 years. America, you decided it would be a good idea to remove a democratically-elected leader in our country, then installed a ruthless Shah who terrorized the public for years until my predecessor got rid of him all because you wanted cheap oil. How’d that work out for you?

Then in 1979 you sanctioned us because we took it back from the American puppets that were destroying it from the inside. Allah forbid we exercise our right to self-determination. Even after this, that mentally challenged howler monkey you called a president decided to label us a member of an “Axis of Evil” after we offered to give you exactly what you wanted, which was a halt to our nuclear program as well as cooperation in Afghanistan and Iraq. Not to mention we were one of the first nations in the world to give our condolences after the horrific attack by Al-Qaeda, even holding a full minute of silence in a soccer stadium of 60,000 people in remembrance of the victims. While you may call this a political stunt, nobody held a gun to the head of the average Iranians on the streets that held candlelight vigils for your terrible loss.

Israel – or should I say conservative Zionist regime that runs Israel – where do I begin? Let me start by saying that in opposition to what American and Israeli op-ed writers and regime hacks may suggest, I have never desired the annihilation of your country. Yes, there are some dumber, fatter members of my military that have said such stupid things, but I do not share their sentiment. You use this false rhetoric to claim that I desire a nuclear weapon with which to destroy you. While I will publicly state that I do not and will not ever possess a nuclear weapon, I will let you in on a little secret: your relentless string of threats and attempts to pull the Americans (who are much wiser than you) into a war against my country are starting to make me rethink my logic on the matter.

The Palestinian issue is something that I hold near and dear to my heart as a Muslim, and the fact that you refuse to treat Muslims with the same respect that you give yourselves angers me deeply. You have been poked and prodded time and time again by the international community to establish a Palestinian state based on the 1967 borders, but refuse to budge on the matter one inch. You do realize that you are loitering on the West Bank illegally, do you not? That fellow human beings are suffering, cannot make a decent living, see their families, get adequate medical care, or maintain any semblance of a normal life that Jewish Israelis take for granted? This disgusts me, and if you wish for me to change my attitude about you, you know what you need to do.

And now on to the scary part for all of us. If either of you attack my country you will pay dearly; you know I’m not bluffing when I say this. High-ranking leaders within both of your countries know that we are capable of making life miserable for you both, and you had best heed their warnings. What we lack in conventional military might we make up for in unconventional warfare capabilities that we have honed and perfected as we have watched you with keen eyes during your military forays into our own backyard. Make no mistake: we will not be the first to release the dogs of war, but any attack no matter the scale on our country will be considered grounds for all out conflict. 

I hope that it doesn’t come to this, but you both continue to beat your war drums over a nuclear program that we have a right to. If you were to recognize this fact, we’d be willing to negotiate other points with you. However your arrogance and righteous indignation, not to mention your incredibly over complicated political system rich with special interest groups and lobbies of all shapes and sizes have kept you from doing so. This issue is coming to a head soon, and I can only hope you come to your senses and do the prudent thing.

Khoda Hafez (good bye), 

-Ali Khamenei-