On Jan. 20, Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th president of the United States. You could watch his inauguration ceremony. Or, you could perform one of the fun activities listed below.
1. Smear a dollop of paint in the middle of your bedroom wall. Watch it dry.
2. Fill a large pot with water. Place it on the stovetop and set the burner to “medium.” Watch until it boils. Let cool. Dump the water on your head. Repeat.
3. Fill a bowl with Grape-Nuts cereal, then pour milk over it. Wait until the milk soaks through the cereal and turns it into a coagulated, vomit-like stew.
4. Find a vacuum cleaner and plug it in. Turn the vacuum on. Listen closely to the noise it makes until Trump’s swearing-in ceremony is over.
5. Borrow a leaf blower. Turn it on. Aim it directly at your face. Hold steady until your skin is entirely dry and your cheeks, lips and eyelids have been significantly loosened.
6. Eat a can of cold Lima beans with extra water.
7. Re-watch Crash (2004).
8. Dump every item of clothing you own on the floor of your home, in as many different rooms as possible. Pick up and fold each item using only your toes. Place each item back into its proper drawer or closet, using only your teeth.
9. Fill a bathtub with ice cold water. Submerge your entire body as quickly as possible and don’t move.
10. Re-watch George W. Bush’s inauguration ceremony.
11. Stand in line at your local department of motor vehicles.
12. Same as the above, but at the nearest post office.
13. Reflect on all the artists and celebrities we lost in 2016, and those we will inevitably lose in 2017, 2018, 2019 and so on.
14. Imagine wearing a necktie as wide as Steve Harvey’s.
15. Re-write the Wikipedia page of DJ Ravidrums, the drummer with the mohawk who performed at Trump’s inauguration concert.
16. Enjoy — if you can — drinking clean water from your faucet before Scott Pruitt starts letting oil companies pump fracking runoff directly into your pipes.
17. Start learning Russian.