Halloween 2012: How To Celebrate Halloween If You're a Single Guy

After being prompted to write this article, I brought it up to a friend under a "celebrate Halloween like a dude" premise. The response was general but pointed: "Everyone should celebrate Halloween the same way — like sluts."

These guys know what I'm talking about (NSFW):

I can usually post my PolicyMic articles in a lunch break (if you look at what I've written here, it's not exactly brain-breaking stuff), but I just couldn't think of an interesting take for celebrating Halloween like a dude. So screw it, the "holiday" is what it is.  Depending on your situation in life, here's how you should approach the holiday.

Single male, ages 11 and under - You know what to do. Say trick or treat (with or without the "smell my feet" addition) and grab something good to eat. And if you pass one of those lazy houses with a "just take one" sign and a bucket of candy, don't be a glutton.

Single male, ages 12-15 - Your last chance to trick or treat. Swallow your pride, endure the belittling stares of age skeptics, and embrace the last time you can accept a non-politically loaded handout.

Single male, ages 15-18 - I'm afraid to write to this age group. If you go to a party, leave room for Jesus, kids.

Single male, ages 18-65 - Most men in these situations think Halloween is the night where women from Topeka to Fargo (and beyond!) hit the bars like pre-nude strippers. But it's about more than that.  Depending on your exact age and social sphere, the class of your Halloween evening may change, but not the spirit. And that spirit is invention. Unlike other evenings, you are given free reign to be the most extreme version of anything. (Despite what you might think about your free will to do that anyway, you are wrong.  You are a composite of genetic inclinations, advertising's influence, and sociopolitical preferences.)  Most people think that freedom is about the costume, but the costume is really just an extension of your emancipated soul. This Halloween, I'm dressing as Bob from Fight Club. What's this say about me? My character has developed prominent female attributes as a result of abusing a drug that augments an inherently masculine chemical. I'm insecure, trying to reclaim my manhood. Halloween is not just sluts, booze and bad decisions — yes, it is those things — but it is also a night of self-discovery.  Dig deep, channel your spirit animal.

Single male, ages 65+ - It's over, dude. Put a bucket of candy outside your house, watch a movie, go to bed.

Married male, ages 12+ - You should avoid Halloween parties. I'm not saying that it's bad to hang around lingerie-clad women with wings taped to their bras, but it's not exactly marital fertilizer. If you're going to go, I'd suggest a morphsuit. It's like wearing creeper shades for your whole body.

Male with kids, ages 12+ - This is not a holiday for you. It's exercise, and it's work, not unlike vacation when you have kids.  Lean into it.