Grammys 2013 LIVE: A Complete Winners and Nominees Deathmatch

My musical taste exists on a poorly oiled sliding scale between “Tirelessly Cynical Pitchforkian Hipster” and “17-Year-Old Top 40 Loyalist.” It typically gets stuck for prolonged periods at one end or the other, forcing me to really dial up my kinetic energy and aggressively jar it loose in such a way that its momentum carries it all the way to the opposite extreme, where it sticks like freeze-dried molasses.

It — we’re still talking about my musical taste — spends very little time along the middle portion of the scale; the portion I like to call “Your Average Listener.”

I guess a better way to say it is that I’m musically bipolar — but who doesn’t love their metaphors like their bean dip these days? Deeply layered.

Case in point: Nestled along my “Starred” list on Spotify, you’ll find “Lines” by A$AP Rocky, Big Boi, and Phantogram (Pitchforkian) cutely tucked below “Cups” by Anna Kendrick (Loyalist).

Which brings us to the Grammy awards that are airing February 10 on CBS (Hint: Just push the “guide” button on your remote and look for it somewhere in the evening section; we’re all in different zones and I need a nap).  

For me, this year’s show is all about what sort of white noise is going to rob Frank Ocean and Jack White over and over and over again (Pitchforkian). However, I won’t lose my religion if The Lumineers win something since both myself and the band are from the Denver-y area (Loyalist).

In other news, everyone on planet Earth is performing during the ceremony. That’s right — all 7-something billion of us. Get ready. Bruno Mars will give us the cue by doing something ridiculously annoying. Oh, wait.

Stick with me here as I sift through more than 800,000 award categories and live blog the Sunday night celebrity shenanigans.