Pope Benedict XVI has announced he will retire before this coming Easter, breaking the "til-death-do-us-part" clause of his contract with God. Now that the Vatican’s reigning autocrat is a free agent, which career path might he pursue?
1. Fox News correspondent
It’s no coincidence that the Pope’s retirement comes so soon after Sarah Palin’s departure from Fox. In this economy, being the Supreme Pontiff doesn’t offer the career trajectory that media can. What better way to compete with new religions like Scientology, than to appeal to the Christian base directly — weeknights at 8 pm Eastern.
2. Criminal Defense Attorney
With years of experience covering up child abuse scandals for the Church, Benedict is well- suited to take on district attorneys in drama-filled court battles. There are still a lot of priests accused of pedophilia, so he won’t have to look for work long. High-profile celebrity criminals like Lindsay Lohan might also benefit from having the Holy See represent them in court. NBC is rumored to be working on a new show based on this premise: Pope and Order – Pious Intent
3. Star Wars villain
With Han Solo and Boba Fett getting their own spin offs in the revamped Star Wars franchise, Pope Benedict should move quickly to secure the role he was born to play: Emperor Palpatine
4. Luxury car salesman
The Pope Mobile is a one of a kind classic: luxurious, bulletproof, 360 panoramic views and a high-seated sense of freedom. Come on down to Benedict’s Mercedes-Benz Emporium off the New Jersey turnpike for a deal so miraculous, it’ll turn your garage into the pearly gates!
5. Sports Endorsement Deal
Very few men have been pope and lived to tell the tale. As with all retiring greats, Benedict can leverage years of being the mouth of God into a sports drink deal: “When I hear the whispers of Satan in my ear, I reach for a cold bottle of Jesus Juice.”
6. Gossip Tell-All Book Deal
The pope’s 1.5 million twitter followers have been inconsolably panicking as to whether his tweets are still the verified words of God. Whether or not Benedict can still leverage his holy authority is up for debate, but he can certainly sell a tell-all book about the sexual escapades and political intrigue at the Vatican. Which bishop flirted his way to the top? How many testaments were left out of the final version of the Bible? Are there aliens secretly running a shadow church within the Papacy?
7. Prada shoe model
Perhaps Prada’s most famous and celebrated model, Benedict, is well suited to release an array of custom made leisure shoes, akin to Michael Jordan’s basketball kicks. You don't have to be 84 years old and ordained by Jesus to pull off crimson red loafers!