State Of the Union Drinking Game: Here's to the Second Beer

The objective is to achieve by game’s end a “state” of mind in which President Obama’s uncontested fluff points seem to be concrete, actionable policy directives. You should not be able to make out the finer features of Senator Marco Rubio's (R-Fla.) face when he delivers the Republican response. This game is intended for light beer. If someone brings an obscure microbrew, they must be forced to drink one (1) of their precious hipster beers before the game gets underway.

WARNING: Drinking heavily during State of the Union addresses may cause liver damage and will cause you to shout platitudes about “the decifit.”

When words are in quotes, drink for duration of time indicated when that word is spoken.

THE BASICS

Applause — 1 gulp

Boehner looking seasick — 1 gulp

Standing Ovation — 2 gulps

Boehner crying — 2 gulps

One-sided applause — 3 gulps

Boehner inconsolably crying — Kill it, fill it

THE GIMMES (2 seconds)

“Bipartisan”

“Leadership”

“Jobs”

“Economy”

“Great Depression”

Any mention of the supernatural skill and nobility of the military.

THE PROBABLES (3 seconds)

“Guns”

Any variant of “homosexual.”

“Debt”

“Fair share”

Any mention of Obama’s mandate by virtue of being re-elected.

“Michelle” (double if she does something “So Michelle,” such as giving her husband the finger.)

“The future”

THE QUESTIONABLES (5 seconds)

“Health care”

“Bin Laden”

Mention of any nation that Hillary Clinton’s been to that you would not want to visit.

“Femur” (just in case)

“Sequester”

Any outbursts from similarly drunk southern congressmen.

THE WIDOWMAKERS (chug)

Obama apologizing for his drone war

[Wardrobe malfunction]

“Trig Palin”

European debt

Mic drop

Surprise divorce announcement