Santa Claus has delighted children for generations by delivering presents to boys and girls all over the world. Every year, he warms the hearts of millions by rewarding good behavior with gifts of joy.
But hold on there jolly fat man, there are regulations and procedures everybody has to conform to today. And Santa Claus is certainly no exception in the eyes of the government.
For starters, what’s this deal about only rewarding good children with presents? That’s discrimination. Everybody’s entitled to a present at Christmas, even the bad kids, and anything short of that will result in a lawsuit for discriminatory policy and defamation of character.
Speaking of entitlements, Santa must now provide mandated health care coverage and retirement benefits for all of his “little helpers.” Until he does, the elves will start an “Occupy North Pole” protest and unionize to obtain collective bargaining rights and get the entitlements they’re seeking. The authorities can pepper spray the elves and lock them up all they want, but the 99% workforce of the North Pole will stand strong and not give into the CEO of Santa’s Workshop, St. Nick himself, who represents the top 1% of the whole operation.
In order to deliver on these demands, Santa would probably have to charge premiums from households to get any presents on Christmas. And the profits that greedy fat cat would net with such a monopolistic operation better be taxed at least 50%, otherwise he’s not paying his fair share.
A consumer watchdog would have to be appointed to oversee the products made at Santa’s workshop to make sure there are no safety hazard materials used and that every item is correctly labeled with its intended use. Failure to conform with these regulations will result in steep fines and suspensions for jolly old St. Nick.
Santa himself doesn’t promote very healthy eating habits on a steady diet of cookies, hot chocolate, and candy canes. All households will be directed to leave out vegetables, protein shakes, and shake weights for Santa as a campaign to promote healthy foods and regular exercise.
And Santa can’t use the chimney anymore to enter the household, that’s a home invasion of privacy. From now on Santa must park his sled in the driveway, enter through the front door, and an adult supervisor 18 years or older must be present at all times to escort Santa any time he sets foot on private premises.
Speaking of Santa’s sleigh, those carbon emissions coming from his reindeer can’t be good for the environment. Santa will have to conform to the environmental standards and regulations and start capping his reindeer’s CO2 to make sure it isn’t contributing to the ongoing global warming epidemic.
And, of course, to respect all faiths and cultures, in a public setting, Santa is no longer allowed to say “Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.” He must now use “Happy Holidays” as a formal greeting and farewell on Secular Gift Giving Day.
Its high time Kris Kringle adapt to the 21st century world of governmental regulations and taxation as well as tolerance of all faiths and cultures. They are there to promote healthy behavior and look out for the safety of all citizens. And Santa better not even think of bypassing these codes of conduct through outsourcing, subsidies, or pushing for right-to-work policies, or he’ll be prosecuted for violating the law and will spend his next six to eight Christmases ho-ho-hoing from the state pen next to his new cell mate Bubba. Don’t drop the soap you discriminating, greedy, polluting, home-invading, intolerant, juvenile-deceiving monster!
Photo Credit: Wikimedia Commons