Pope Francis Women's Issues Record is Abysmal

New pope, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, or Pope Francis, is being hailed by many as a beacon of reform for the Catholic Church.  He is a fervent opponent of the unequal distribution of wealth, he’s swapped his swanky limousine for public transportation, and traded down from a mini-mansion to a modest apartment in Buenos Aires. He even washed and kissed the feet of a dozen AIDS patients in 2001. I know what you’re thinking: this dude is dynamite. I got 99 problems and a pope ain't one. Before you do the twist and high-five a million angels, you may want to examine his dismal record on everything from – well, basically on everything that’s socially important. You might be surprised to find a lot of skeletons in the new pope’s cape closet.

For starters, it should come as no surprise that the new pope is a staunch anti-gay mercenary. He’s accredited gay marriage to the work "of the devil" and labelled same sex parenting as a form of "discrimination against children."

Remember when Argentina gave us a collective civil rights heartgasm and became the first Latin American country to legalize gay marriage? Well guess who was strongly opposed to it? In his letter to the Monasteries of Buenos Aires, then Cardinal Bergoglio wrote:

"Let's not be naive, we're not talking about a simple political battle; it is a destructive pretension against the plan of God. We are not talking about a mere bill, but rather a machination of the Father of Lies that seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God."

Turns out, on top of a penchant for hyperbole and an obvious disdain for the gays; he’s got a beef with women too.

The new pope is against contraception and family planning, which, according  to the vice president of Ibis Reproductive Health, is “the single most cost-effective intervention that can reduce maternal mortality, improve maternal and child health and help women and families achieve their desired family size.” You know, girl stuff. He has called on his followers to repudiate abortion because it is symptomatic of a "culture of death."

Claiming that we should "defend life from the beginning of conception," the elected Pontiff is basically one of those annoying balding white GOP dudes who rely on non-medical beliefs about pregnancy to restrict women’s reproductive rights. Except he wears a cape. And you probably won’t catch him Fox and Friends. 

For all that he’s not, Pope Francis is a fan of the single ladies, perhaps even more so than Beyoncé, in that he doesn't think they necessarily ‘shoulda put a ring on it.’

According to the Guardian, the new leader of the Catholic Church doesn't condemn the children of unwed mothers:

“In our ecclesiastical region there are priests who don't baptize the children of single mothers because they weren't conceived in the sanctity of marriage. These are today's hypocrites. Those who clericalise the church. Those who separate the people of God from salvation. And this poor girl who, rather than returning the child to sender, had the courage to carry it into the world, must wander from parish to parish so that it's baptised!”

So will the next pope really be a reformer? I think Sergio Rubin, Bergoglio's authorized biographer answers the question.

When he was asked, "Is Bergoglio a progressive — a liberation theologist even?"

He simply said: “No.” 

I guess we don't have to worry about the autobiography being too verbose.