@itslavishbitch is Everything That's Right About America

If you really loved America, you'd love Param, a.k.a. @itslavishbitch.

The "San Francisco Livin'" 17-year-old Instagram troll is peerless when it comes to making you feel terrible about your broke-ass self.

His hard-earned-yet-seemingly unlimited cash flow speaks to a life of backbreaking labor and deeply spiritual dedication to the American Dream that puts the rest of us to shame.

Thank Jesus and George Washington that he's willing to let us know about it. Sometimes the "peasants" need to be told what's what.

Here's a sampler of some things he's done that, frankly, you haven't, and will never come close to doing (because you're lazy or a communist):

 

1. Tied $4,000 cash to a bunch of balloons and let them float away:


Photo Credit: EgoTrip

"Flying away bandz #fuckdonations," he says, expressing his disdain for the profoundly un-American concept of giving free money to those in need. This kid is actually making you classless bums work for your scrilla (what a concept!): If you want it, you'd better lace up your scuffed-up Payless kicks with the mustard stain on the side and chase that money till it hits the ground. And when you catch it, be sure to show some respect and salute those red and blue balloons (we'll pretend there's a white one).

2. "Bought the iPad today just to break it hoe.":


Photo Credit: EgoTrip

That he can even afford to do this speaks to what you'd be able to do if you weren't so lazy.

3. Taught Rihanna some sh*t about stuntin':


Photo Credit: EgoTrip

Few people realize that being a ballerific red-blooded American has its price. You have to keep your fashion game on point. (Ever heard of "dress for success?" What am I thinking, of course you haven't.) When the kid photographed himself rocking two pairs of "trues" instead of one like the rest of you "broke [n*ggas]," none other than Rihanna a.k.a. @badgalriri had the nerve to tell him to "just stop" because he "[looks] like a fool."

Unbelievable. Luckily, our hero put her in her place: "… ur net worth only 80m." God bless America.

4. Filled a toilet with San Pellegrino just so he can "take sh*ts in sparkling water…":


Photo Credit: EgoTrip

That'll show those lazy no-water-having Bolivians!

5. Bought $175 gold-plated staples:


Photo Credit: EgoTrip

That's right, those skinny metal mother*ckers that hold broke-ass college students' essays together. He doesn't need them, but he has them: If that's not the American Dream, I don't know what is.

6. Despite our hero's "lavish" lifestyle, he still recognizes the importance of being "#economical" (sometimes). That's why he only spent $2,885.28 on dinner one night:


Photo Credit: EgoTrip

7. Said this to Kim Kardashian:


Photo Credit: EgoTrip

It's become clear that, once in a while, a true American hero comes along with the racks, stacks, and huevos to tell us all how badly we're f*ckin' up cash-wise. If people like Param a.k.a. @itslavishbitch didn't exist, how else could we learn how valueless our broke-ass lives really are? He truly represents everything that's right about America, and why it's the greatest country in the world. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just jealous, or a terrorist.

How likely are you to make Mic your go-to news source?

Zak Cheney Rice

Zak is a Senior Staff Writer at Mic.

MORE FROM

The 'RuPaul's Drag Race' finale format change just saved the show from predictability

Predictability seized the last few seasons of 'RuPaul's Drag Race,' but season nine's finale flipped the script.

Journalist Kevin Powell sues 'All Eyez on Me' filmmakers, claims they stole from his Tupac articles

More bad news for the embattled Tupac Shakur biopic.

Who won 'RuPaul's Drag Race' season 9?

A lip-sync battle tournament leads to a surprising winner.

Halsey just started a feud with Iggy Azalea

The pop singer thinks Azalea is a "fucking moron."

'Game of Thrones' author George R.R. Martin has a new TV show in the works

An early, gory novella from Martin is heading to Syfy.

The 'Will and Grace' revival will lay out the "rules" in the premiere

Series creators Max Mutchnick and David Kohan are addressing that pesky finale

The 'RuPaul's Drag Race' finale format change just saved the show from predictability

Predictability seized the last few seasons of 'RuPaul's Drag Race,' but season nine's finale flipped the script.

Journalist Kevin Powell sues 'All Eyez on Me' filmmakers, claims they stole from his Tupac articles

More bad news for the embattled Tupac Shakur biopic.

Who won 'RuPaul's Drag Race' season 9?

A lip-sync battle tournament leads to a surprising winner.

Halsey just started a feud with Iggy Azalea

The pop singer thinks Azalea is a "fucking moron."

'Game of Thrones' author George R.R. Martin has a new TV show in the works

An early, gory novella from Martin is heading to Syfy.

The 'Will and Grace' revival will lay out the "rules" in the premiere

Series creators Max Mutchnick and David Kohan are addressing that pesky finale