Previously on Pretty Little Liars: A dead pig was discovered in a really emotionally and otherwise loaded trunk, Mrs. DeLaurentis returned the Rosewood, Mona hid her lair which was then stolen by a really angsty Toby, and some sort of veiled creature from the depths of Hell showed up at Wilden's funeral. We don't know who/what he/she/it is, but we know it's evil and must be destroyed (hopefully by vicious words but more likely by something real).
We start off at The Rear Window Brew, a classy hang in quaint suburb of Pennsylvania where nothing bad ever happens and all 17-year-olds should definitely hang out. The Liars run down a bunch of questions and facts as they tend to do, none of which have answers and all of which are probably traps. Everyone's getting pretty convinced that Alison is (might be) alive, except for Aria who is just such a realist this season. Mona shows up desperately seeking attention and Hanna quickly SHUTS HER THE EFF DOWN because it had been a while since Hefty Hanna spoke and everything she says is awesome.
They all head out to the RV (located in what was previously referred to as "A Creepy Farm in the Middle of Nowhere" this will end well). Mona tries to calmly explain that the RV was stolen, but The Liars who don't really buy it (especially Hefty, who is #killingit).
Everybody leaves and Emily and Aria hang back to creepily watch Mona get in her car (because they're trained detectives and staying out when it's dark is always a good idea). Mona gets behind the wheel and is all of a sudden STRANGLED by someone in THIS creepy mask that keeps popping up:
Does everyone remember this thing? I actually think I miss this:
No, never mind. I super don't.
Back to the TERRIFYING STRANGULATION that is commencing in Mona's car (which she may or may not have used to run over Hanna in Season 1 — #neverforget). Mona gets thrown out of (or leaps out of?) the car and Emily and Aria run over to help her. The masked thing speeds back up and tries to run them all over, but they dive to the ground like pros and get away just fine. As a note, Emily fell on a rock and I GUARANTEE that this will turn into some kind of drama having to do with swimming and all of her #internalizedpressure because she's a teen athlete.
Then a really #dark moment happens when Spencer finds out she didn't get into Penn. I want to mention this because that sucks. It really does. Don't get me wrong, I feel for you. But I don't personally know if I can get behind this plot line of normal teen stress when bitches be getting strangled and murdered and framed everywhere. Like, honestly, Spencer should probably not go to school so close by. She could go to Stanford. Paige aka The Worst says it's the farthest place IN THE WORLD from Rosewood (besides Hawaii, good catch Paige).
Meanwhile, on the streets, Hefty finds Shana and goes FULL HEFTY. Like, FINE FORM HEFTY. YOU GO HEFTY. She screams at her about Wilden and Jenna and all kinds of facts that she knows. Shana gets real sassy back, as if she has experience with being ripped apart by people that want to keep her from #thriving and being a total bitch. Regardless of how this all ends, I really appreciate when Hefty loses her shit on people and brings out her inner #fatgirlrage. It reminds us all how much she would ROCK prison. Man, I'd really love to see a Hefty Hanna prison spinoff. It would be like Bad Girls Club and The Simple Life. But in prison.
There's then some couples drama — Emily is lying to weirdly skinny Paige (ugh, I miss Maya) about her shoulder (swimming comes up — duh) and Toby is lying to Spencer about probably everything and darting his beady eyes around the room like he's on meth.
All or most of The Liars are then in class with Fitz who, in case you missed it, continues to be both A and a pedophile. Spencer hangs back and tells him about Penn and her feelings of #rejection, and he JUMPS at the opportunity to help her on weekends. Because he's a really committed teacher and would probably be lurking nearby doing A things anyway.
Emily and Hefty then have a phone conversation in which Emily reminds Hefty of her NEED to swim because of SCHOLARSHIPS and THINGS. Then she starts popping painkillers and I'm just so excited to learn from her mistakes like I did from Jessie Spano.
We cut to the DOJO where things evidently happen now because Aria's decided that she should learn to fight (at the DOJO). A cute new guy is there to show her the ropes and he is pretty eager to jump into this situation which will probably lead to his untimely death (RUN BRO, RUN).
Hefty then asks her Mom about the muddy Manolos she found under the sink and the response is pretty effing sketchy. That said, I refuse to believe anything about this situation because Caleb and Mama Marin are literally the only people I trust. Seriously. #everyoneisA
Cut to Hefty standing outside Spencer's (in what are, by the way, BANGING, BADASS LEATHER PANTS). Mrs. DeLaurentis then creepily calls to her and introduces her to her new possessed parrot friend. To reiterate, THE PARROT IS POSSESSED. There is now a possessed parrot on the show. Enter, stage left, Possessed Parrot.
Spencer then has to explain to Ezra the importance of SELF EXPRESSION and Ezra preemptively tries to teach her about the importance of self censorship. You know, before she testifies against him because of all this that he definitely did:
Regardless, Spencer just wants to be her REAL and CRAZY SELF because HONESTY IS IMPORTANT.
Shortly thereafter, Aria kisses her new teacher at the DOJO and unfortunately he's now been infected with either A juice or probably-gonna-get-effed juice. Sorry, bro from the DOJO.
Mona then talks to the cops and finds out that when Wilden got "whacked" (no, seriously - she says whacked), he was with a woman in high heels. She explains that IT MUST BE ALI. BECAUSE ALI WORE HIGH HEELS. It's really brilliant logic. She expects Hefty to give her a #bestiehighfive and a slap on the scaly evil back but instead she again gets shut down because Hefty is just not having it today.
Oh, and also because Mama Marin has muddy Manolos and is definitely being framed by A. Sorry, Mona.
Emily/real life Valley of the Dolls has a sparring match with Shana in the locker room and pops some painkillers (#addiction). There's a really melodramatic race sequence in which is pretty clear that Emily is really bad at handling her high.
She dives into the pool and rams her head into the wall. It's funny, because the last time she almost drowned in a pool it was because Paige/Pigskin/her new GF was shoving her down like a psychopath or A might. But Emily just did this herself, I guess.
Hefty then barges into Spencer's house where she and Aria are just chatting about their enemies and splitting what appears to be Bud Light Lime into two glasses. Hefty's got the #possessedparrot in hand and soon enough it starts singing it's creepy little death song. Everybody thinks it's a clue but I think that the #possessedparrot probably has West Nile and is definitely A.
Contrary to my suspicions, Spencer finds out that the #possessedparrot is singing a phone number and actually is a clue. She meets up with The Liars and tries to call the creepy parrot number but there's no answer. They decide that maybe she's not THAT smart and that they should record what is now obviously a HUGE clue and go find the parrot. I bet the bird is gone. I bet that bird is real good and taken.
And yes! It's gone (good for me!). A window's open and the bird was snatched. Although, it might not have been taken. It may have just returned to it's human A form or flown away to it's creepy A masters on it's own.
The episode finishes up with Mrs. Marin making one good and one very bad decision (drinking an angsty glass of white wine alone in a dark room and going outside in the dark to dispose of what certainly looks like evidence, respectively). Then A feeds chicken to the other A that is a bird. As a side note, when does the bird get a hoodie? Does the bird not have a hoodie because it's the master? The cannibalistic bird master? Think about it. It's creepy and it's weird and it's soOoOOoo PLL y'all. 'Til next time!