Newt Gingrich Is Everything That is Wrong With American Politics

According to a report filed by the Federal Election Commission (FEC), Newt Gingrich’s campaign finished last month $4.3 million in debt. Doesn't this sound exactly like who we need in power in this country? Who better to permit $823,000 spending sprees by the General Services Administration? Gingrich handles his campaign finances just like the United States handles its debt. Since financial mismanagement seems to be what the U.S. stands for recently, it makes perfect sense to have a president that, “leaves a 30-year trail of debt, lawsuits, and bankruptcies in his wake.” With Gingrich as president, the U.S. could expect him to take similar actions to pay down the national deficit that he has taken to try to pay down his own campaign debts. For example, Gingrich began charging supporters $50 for a picture with him. Once he is president, if this policy remains in place, we will have our deficit paid off in no time. Elect a man with a solid plan for getting us out of debt. Forget ridiculous defense spending cuts and retooling of entitlements nonsense. A$50 picture with Newt, no tax increases, no reduction of social safety nets, problem solved. 

At least his campaign racked up this huge tab trying to spread his message of hope as far and wide as he could. The FEC report lists among Newt’s unpaid expenses $1 million to Moby Dick Airways, a private jet company. We have the opportunity to have Captain flippin’ Ahab as our president!  How could we pass that up?  The choice is clear: Gingrich 2012!

Speaking of white whales,America stands for nothing if not an inflated sense of self-importance to the point of delusion, right? Need I say more? Who but Newt fulfills this requirement with more marshmallow-headed panache? We need a president who will never give up. No matter how inevitable defeat may seem, no matter how ridiculous we may appear, America sticks to her guns. Newt was born to lead a country that never admits to its mistakes, and commits to every policy through its natural end, despite the results. That’s the America that Newt offers you. Now are you going to get on board or get left in the dust?

America needs to protect her interests. And by her interests, I mean Newt's. He was recently quoted as demanding a government that, “respects our religion.” Not just religion, but “our religion.” The first amendment is overrated anyway. We need a president who can take down the “secular-socialist machine” once and for all.

We need an America true to her word. An America that openly calls for democracy in the Middle East yet simultaneously props up tyrants with U.S. friendly stances is the America I know and love,and the America that Newt will have no problem protecting. His personal life provides a wealth of experience with irony production — irony is America’s number one export after all. Let’s get Newt in charge and attack the Freddie Mac-like nations of the world while they secretly pay us for our loyalty. It is the best of both worlds.