Top 10 Reasons to Vote For Mitt Romney (Satire)

10) He can raise $10,000,000 in undisclosed funds without getting too much negative publicity. This trick will be very important in the general election just in case he needs to get more money from a secret source. 

9) Romney is going to make this election about Obama. What is most important is that Barack Obama does not get 4 more years. Mitt stands for this and his message is very clear and concise. He has a vision of this country and that vision does not include Barack Obama. His message is: Obama is doing a bad job, Obama must not get 4 more years, and furthermore he is not Obama. The rest of his message will be subject to vague rhetoric and pandering based on location and audience. 

8) He has the the best fake grassroots campaign Goldman Sachs can buy. It doesn’t matter if it is fake grassroots signs or paid supporters in the streets, nothing demonstrates the people’s candidate better than a well placed photo opportunity.

7) He is an experienced businessman and knows how to run a business. Romney was able to turn around the bankrupt Olympics. He did it all alone with all of his business experience and $410,000,000 of federal money. He even managed to get $1,000,000 from the Department of Education to help pay for the Olympics. As president, think of all the things he can he get the Department of Education to fund. I believe that as president, he will even be able to turn around the Department of Education and get it to fund education. He has proven experience to do so. 

6) He is the most thoughtful president when to comes to foreign policy. He was asked about whether he needed authorization to go to war with Iran in a 2008 debate. His answer revealed that he will thoughtfully check with his lawyers first before making any rash decision. He is so thoughtful that he would not think of burdening Congress with deciding matters of war. 

5) He was able to strongly secure the Republican nomination from the mainstream media long ago. There has never been any dispute in the mainstream media that he has always had the Republican nomination locked. This became crystal clear when GOP Chair Charlie Wester of Maine called him the winner when they only counted 84% of the total votes. It doesn’t really matter what happen in Missouri, Georgia, North Dakota, Nevada, Iowa, Minnesota, Washington, or making a legitimate delegate count. 

4) The mainstream media will continue to minimize the truth or give misinformation about the delegate process in favor of Mitt Romney. The mainstream media has gotten so reckless at trying to keep the public misinformed it has made the long 1992 documentary by Noam Chomsky Manufacturing Consent trendy again. It doesn't really matter if the Republican National Convention does not recognize a state's binding of national delegates, but considers each delegate a free agent who can vote for whoever they choose. They have decided that he is the inevitable nominee. It's not like there is anyone else still in the race based on what they have been reporting.  

3) He has the most enthusiastic supporters. He is without a doubt the inevitable nominee. Most would think that if he is the inevitable nominee that his young supporters would take a back seat until the general election. But not his devout supporters. Inevitable nomination of the GOP will not stop his young supporters to help his campaign. The young supporter in Maine that was caught on tape handing out fake Ron Paul delegate slates to defraud the delegate process is a stellar example of this. Look at the excitement for Romney’s candidacy in this young man face after he got caught in Nevada. I really do commend their devotion and enthusiasm to the Romney campaign. Who else has supporters like this?

2) You and he have the same positions on all issues. One time or another you can be sure that Romney supported your position on abortion, bailouts, health care, and (fill in the blank). He is the only candidate that has had so many different positions that you can find clips of him speaking to create a video montage of the perfect video of the perfect Mitt Romney you want to vote for. He has been by far the most consistent with his inconsistency. 

1) He is a clear contrast to Obama. Aside from agreeing with the superfluous issues like the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), desire to implement socialized health care, an intervention foreign policy, starting or continuing undeclared wars, sanctions on Iran, domestic stimulus spending, backing by Goldman Sachs, and putting aside all the other small issues, there are some very big contrasting items. Romney graduate from Harvard Law in 1975 Obama graduated from there in 1991. Romney is Mormon and Obama is Christian. Most importantly is how they would use different styles in implementing similar policies. There is one example that demonstrates the style contrast clearly. Obama has a Portuguese Water Dog named Bo that travels in a cage by plane but Romney had an Irish Settler named Seamus that he transported on the roof of an automobile for 12 hours. It doesn’t get any more black and white than that.