The Complete Idiot's Guide to Opposing Same-Sex Marriage

Are you a passionate homophobe, but have a difficult time articulating a quasi-coherent argument against same-sex marriage? Fear not. This guide will equip you with the rhetorical tools necessary to mount a fervent defense of traditional marriage against same-sex matrimony. From religious reasons to faux social concerns about "The Children," this handy how-to covers all the bases. Feel free to use any or all of the following excuses to oppose same-sex marriage. 

1. Homosexuality is a sin. According to the Book of Leviticus in the Old Testament, “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” You know this is a serious commandment that is super relevant for today because Leviticus also contains instructions on the proper way to make animal sacrifices to the Lord. The best part about this excuse is that if someone accuses you of gay-bashing, you can then accuse the accuser of engaging in God-bashing since you’re just following God’s orders. And remember, if you’re ever arguing with someone who is in favor of same-sex marriage and believes in God, be sure to tell them that they either don’t believe in the right god, or that their interpretation of the Bible is wrong because you know what God wants. 

The good news for you homophobic men out there is that Leviticus doesn’t say anything about girl-on-girl action, so that must mean that God is totally OK with your lesbian porn collection.

2. Same-sex marriage threatens traditional marriage. Boy does it ever. Just look at the states where same-sex marriage is legal: Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, and Iowa. How gay are those states? There isn’t a single heterosexual married couple left in any of those places because all the straight people suddenly figured there was no point in getting married. In Massachusetts, which was the first state to legalize same-sex marriage, everyone is now gay. And not just gay, but wicked gay.

3. Marriage is for procreation. Absolutely. Not only should gays not be allowed to marry, but also heterosexuals who can’t or don’t want to have children. Because if people don’t procreate, who will carry the anti-gay torch well into the 21st century?

4. Same-sex marriage will lead to interspecies marriage. Also known as the Santorum defense of marriage, this can be an effective argument for people who regard gays as subhuman. By portraying bans on gay marriage as a kind of Maginot Line keeping hordes of horsef***ers out of mainstream society, this argument should scare a few people into opposing same-sex marriage, or at the very least make them think twice before leaving their pets out at night. 

5. The Children will get confused. Not only will The Children get confused, but even worse, you’ll have to explain to them all kinds of awkward things about gay people. Parents already have a hard enough time explaining the birds and the bees to The Children; never mind the birds and the birds.

6. The Children of gay couples will be socially disadvantaged. Another way of making The Children argument is that because gay people aren’t the norm, The Children of gays will have a difficult time adjusting socially. The beauty of this argument is that by insisting that gay marriage should be prohibited, you reinforce the idea that homosexuality is abnormal and wrong, while simultaneously claiming you have the best interests of The Children in mind. In this way, your homophobia is both the cause of, and solution to, the very problem you’re helping perpetuate.

So there you have it. Make sure you commit these talking points to memory and let people know that it’s ok to be anti-gay. Otherwise, millions of repressed homosexuals might no longer have a somewhat socially acceptable outlet for their subconscious self-hatred.

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