Youth of all generations have been there; this is not a situation exclusive to Generation Y. It is one of those defining moments that officially signifies ones role as a college student: the one night stand, but more specifically, the “walk of shame." As I graduated a year ago from college, I learned a variety of things inside and outside of the classroom; particularly, how to perfect my stroll the morning after a crazy night.
How you got there and what exactly went down is not important, but with my help and guidance, I believe that I can help you protect that one last shred of dignity you happen to possess. I made many mistakes in college, so I thought it would be nice to give some tips for surviving your escape -- and please, do not worry, I have years of research and experience under my belt -- pun intended.
Depending on the circumstances, the first step may be the most alarming, and in most cases, heartbreaking beyond belief. You must lean over, pull down the covers and see who you shacked up with, hopefully someone with clear skin and great bone structure. If you happen to look into the face of a grotesque creature reminiscent of a deranged monster, try not to scream for a variety of reasons. Not only will you wake this frumpy being, but you may awake others in the vicinity, which will make your escape a lot harder.
The next step should be an attempt to collect your belongings that are thrown about the room as quietly as possible. Cell phone, keys, and University I.D. card are the most valuable treasures that must be found. Sometimes, one must pick their battles, such as your new “friend” using your expensive polo or cashmere sweater as a pillow. Some things need to be left in the battlefield. As you approach the bedroom door, there may be an overwhelming tendency to pussyfoot around and try to open the door slowly. I highly advise against this rationale.
One must perform this task as if ripping off a band aid or jumping into a cold pool: it will be scary at first, but thankfully it will be over as soon as it began. Once in the hallway, look out a window and see if there are any landmarks visible. If you are anywhere outside a ten block radius of your campus, the start of your day is probably going to get a bit worse. Now in the final stages of your escape, you must make your way towards the front door. If you pass any roommates along the way, be cordial and say, “Hello. My name is (fake name) and I go to (fake college). See you”. If you happen to encounter a family member, make a mental note to yourself that this is the most embarrassing moment of your life thus far.
As you reach the door, take a deep breath, smooth out your clothes and step outside. It is a new day.
Need other sex related advice? Check out my other advice columns on my website.