It has recently come to my attention that one of my GOP opponents has challenged my legitimacy as a candidate. She has dared to attack my religion as a way to move herself up in the polls. I want to remain professional so let's just call her M. Bachmann — no, no, that's too obvious — let's say Michele B. Anyway, look America, I get it. You guys are slightly wary of the whole "Mormon" thing. I have HBO, I watched Big Love. However, I implore you to look past my religion and judge me on my policies, and my incredibly square jaw. America was founded by people seeking refuge from religious persecution, after all. Before you burn me at the stake, allow me to state my case and clear the misconceptions.
M.B. has made the argument that Mormonism is one step away from Scientology. This is insulting and she could not be any more off base. But then again, this gaffe isn't so surprising considering the source. Most insulting though, is the assertion my competitor has made regarding Tom Cruise, even referencing his couch-jumping escapades on Oprah. TOM CRUISE IS AWESOME. Risky Business, Top Gun, Mission Impossible, COCKTAIL! You can say anything you want about me, but I will not let you besiege the name of the man that has given us the greatest movie about a U.S. Army vet-turned T.G.I. Fridays bartender EVER. That man gave us 20 years of film classics before he went all "I can cure cancer with my mind."
My detractor has also stated that I would "probably try to cure the economy with my brain," and I have to admit that despite her penchant for false statements, this one is true. I would try to fix the economy with my brain ... my Baker Scholar, Cum Laude Harvard MBA/JD holding, Bain Capital- running brain. The same brain that was an integral part of making the 2002 Winter Olympics profitable. The Winter Olympics. If I can pull some profit out of curling, I think I could do wonders for this country. I've learned a few tricks that she may not have, dealing with the mind-boggling economic complexities of life in Minnesota.
I have a business background, Harvard degrees, more honorary doctorates than you can shake a stick at, and I'm tall. If you've read Malcolm Gladwell's Blink, then you understand that you have no choice but to pick me. Your subconscious already has.
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