100 'Confidential' Postcards from Hillary Clinton

On Thursday, Latvia will officially become the 100th country that Hillary Clinton has visited as Secretary of State. Earlier this month, Clinton beat Madeleine Albright’s record of 96 countries, because as she says, “nothing substitutes for showing up."

How does she do it? Clinton gets revved up by catnapping in the cabin of her Air Force Boeing 757. But she also has superhuman strength, and is a total badass. Here are 100 postcards Hillary sent PolicyMic while she was abroad:

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1) Denmark



"I don't understand how you're out of Danishes."


2) Belgium

 

"Ok, we'll give you Joe Biden in exchange for some waffles."


3) Germany


"Nice try, Angela, but your hairstyle is so pre-financial crisis."


4) Singapore



"So, did you, like, found Singapore?"


5) Afghanistan



"Ok, just pretend you're not in Kabul. Pretend you're not in Kabul. Pretend you're not in Kabul."


6) China

 

"I hate meeting with debt collectors."


7) Philippines



"Let's toast....one shot for each island."


8) Pakistan



"The drones ... well ... it's just kind of ... complicated." 


9) Egypt



"So that's where you want to hang Hosni from?"
 

10) Morocco 



"Your flag and I coordinated outfits this morning."


11) Israel



"I think Bibi just farted."


12) India



"Is this India or San Francisco?"


13) Thailand



"I think they're on to me."

 

14) Switzerland

 

"Pick a side, will ya?"


15) United Kingdom


"Nice pad. I see austerity hasn't hit Downing Street yet."


16) Ireland



"Is the funnel ready yet?"


17) Russia



"These Babushka dolls are much bigger in real life."


18) Kenya


"Do you know my boss?"

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19) South Africa



"Hold up. Mandela is still alive?!"


20) Democratic Republic of the Congo



"You U.N. peacekeepers are doing a fine job just standing there. Carry on."


21) Nigeria


"No, I won't email you my bank account number."


22) Libya


"I hope this means the same thing here as it does in America."


23) Cape Verde



"I can't wait to EsCape Verde."


24) Angola



"Does this jacket make me look like I'm wearing a hideous jacket?"


25) El Salvador


 "If I don't eat these, my husband will. Trust me."


26) Honduras



"What a sausagefest."


27) Kuwait

 

"Looks like I'm wearing the pants in this relationship."
 

28) Iraq


"Is that guy about to chuck a shoe?"


29) Lebanon



"I'm just going to pretend this creepy portrait isn't there."


30) Canada



"You could have at least presented me with a Canadiens jersey."


31) The Netherlands


"Those brownies were awesome, but for some reason I'm still hungry." 


32) Mexico



"Father, I'm really pleased with how my portrait came out." 


33) Haiti



"I really think we should wait for President Wyclef."

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34) Dominican Republic



"Well, I don't want to shake your hand either. Dick."


35) Trinidad and Tobago



"Is the lady in green still there?"


36) Japan


"Just take the photo already."


37) South Korea


"I thought they wear red in the North?" 


38) Indonesia



"Angelina is going to bring all of you to America!"


39) Turkey



"Is Jesus flashing a gang signal?"


40) Czech Republic



"Worst. Party. Ever."


41) France

 

"So, you lost to a Socialist. Join the club."


42) Liberia


"A woman who rocks a hat like that deserves some R-E-S-P-E-C-T."


43) United Arab Emirates



"This guy must be a foot-man."


44) Portugal



"Ok boys, I'll get the check. Again."


45) Argentina


"And it was only three inches long?!"


46) Kazakhstan



"Come on guys, one Borat joke?"


47) Kyrgyzstan

 

"We promise to increase vowel exports to Kyrgyzstan as soon as possible."


48) Uzbekistan



"Ok, where's the real Uzbekistan?"


49) Bahrain



"I'm sexy and I know it." 


50) Peru

 

"Machu Picchu to you too."


51) Ecuador



"And in the beginning ... "


52) Vietnam



"I remember this. That was a really bad hat day."


53) Cambodia



"Angkor What?!


54) Bosnia and Herzegovina 


"So how long have you guys been together?"


55) Serbia



"My flowing hair should tell you how much of a badass I am."


56) Kosovo



"Big Sister is watching you."


57) Ukraine



"All I'm saying is, put a Ukrainian and a Russian next to one another, and I can't tell which is which."


58) Poland



"I am Polanded out."


 

59) Malaysia

 

"Your shirt is in violation of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty."
 

60) Papua New Guinea



"Did I overdress?"
 

61) New Zealand



"Skirt man gets his ass kicked in 3 ... 2 ... 1... "
 

62) Australia



"Enough of this bullshit. Where the kangaroos at?"
 

63) Azerbaijan


"You ever just need a hug sometimes?"


64) Armenia



"I told you, no questions about my outfit!"
 

65) Georgia

 

"Sadly, this former Soviet republic is in better shape than our Georgia."
 

66) Colombia

 

"#YOLO! You girls should meet some of my Secret Service buddies!" 


67) Barbados



"Enough chit-chat. Where's the beach?"
 

68) Estonia



"Alfred, get the car ready."
 

69) Uruguay



"Up top. Up top. Anyone? Anyone?" 
 

70) Chile



"Yeah, I already got that tweet three hours ago."
 

71) Brazil



"Password? I don't need no stinkin' password."
 

72) Costa Rica 



"Is it me or is it hot out here? Oh wait, it's me."
 

73) Guatemala


"Peace out, bitches."


74) Saudi Arabia



"Guys, you know it's like 110 degrees out, right?"
 

75) Qatar



"Is this bro for real?"
 

76) Jordan


"And then I said, 'Bill, what about my needs?"


77) Lithuania



"Not gonna lie. I'm the best thing in Lithuania right now."
 

78) Burma

 

"Suu Kyi, you should really get out more."


79) Malta



"Everyone in Malta is in this photo."
 

80) Oman

"

"You know the plan. Get in, get out. No witnesses."
 

81) Tajikistan



"I'll ask again. How much for the rug?"
 

82) Greece

 

"If only your economy looked that good."
 

83) Hungary

 

"Do you see me? I'm with Waldo."
 

84) Spain

 

"Come on. You can come up with 100 billion euros."
 

85) Jamaica

 

"Three bucks for headphones. Outrageous." 
 

86) Zambia

 

"I feel out of place. Should've borrowed Boehner's spray tan."
 

87) Tanzania

 

"Mount Kilimanjaro is a lot smaller in person."
 

88) Ethiopia


"And then she realized ... the call was coming from inside the house!"
 

89) Italy



"Which one of you is touching my leg?"
 

90) Tunisia


"What? No jasmine?"

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91) Yemen

 

"Have you banned the possession of underwear in Yemen as we requested?"
 

92) Norway

 

"Here's to not being Swedish!" 


 

93) Sweden



"I love Sweden."
 

94) Bangladesh

 

"I'd like to thank the Academy."
 

95) Algeria


"Are those guns or are you guys happy to see me?"
 

96) Bulgaria


"This is the most iconic image to come out of Bulgaria since ever."
 

97) Ivory Coast



"My boss actually came from an Ivory Tower."
 

98) Togo



"No autographs."
 

See you there, Hillary:

99) Finland



100) Latvia