Ron Questions Mitt and Michele: Hilarity Ensues

As the elder statesman of the GOP primaries, I try to stay above the fray that Mitt and Michele have created.  I was going to stay the strong, silent type, like one of those trees from the Lord of the Rings movies, and allow the whipper-snappers to tear each other apart in the media, but my team has advised that in this new modern age of 24-hour news I need to throw my hat in this ring to maintain the right amount of “exposure.”  Crazy new fangled media rules.  Back in my day, there were four channels, you talked to Walter Conkite, and the media portion was over. Now you gotta have a website, a publicist, a facespace fans page …  who can keep up? I have been urged to say something, and much like the government I would create, I am a man of few words. So here they are:

Ms. Bachmann has stated she believes in a “3 Strikes You’re Out” rule in attempts for president. And while I appreciate the patriotism of an allusion taken from a game based on something created by our former British oppressors, I must disagree.  Hasn’t she ever heard of other phrases like “If at first you don’t succeed, try , try again”, “slow and steady wins the race”, or – my personal fav – early bird gets the worm”?  Hell, I ran back in ’88 so I am clearly the earliest bird in this race. I have been in office since my opponents were in school.

I have experienced the ebbs and flow of this country’s political process for over 40 years. Can either of my opponents say this?

Reaganomics in the 80’s: Boom, there.

The real estate crisis in the 90’s: I was there.

The New Deal: Present!

I want to bring America back to it glory days, America as intended, no taxation without representation, or hell, NO TAXATION AT ALL.  You can’t buy the level of experience I’ve had. I’m a war veteran, I’m a doctor, I have delivered 4,000 babies.  Doctors bring life to the world. Lawyers make sure basketball players pay the right amount per month once the baby is there. 

Be my baby America, let me deliver you into the new millennium.  In youth we learn; in age we understand. 

How much do you trust the information in this article?

Blakely Thornton

University of Pennsylvania grad currently living in New York by way of Dallas, Texas. Background in finance. Creator of ywwr.tumblr.com, a pop culture/entertainment blog. Trying to get people to think caring is cool... but with a casual air of nonchalance.

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