On behalf of the government of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Korea, let me congratulate you on your decision to rule, Kim Jong-un. You are a young, inexperienced leader and nobody knows what on earth you plan on doing. This handy guide is a sure-fire way to secure the stability, happiness, and prosperity of our great nation. There are a few things to learn before you prove yourself a righteous supreme leader, so let’s begin:
1) They have a new name for evil these days, and, it’s called “capitalism.” Continue in your father’s footsteps and steer our country as far away from that mess as possible. Look what happened to the United States of Misery.
2) Dictators of North Korea need to embody the “man of mystery” image. No one really needs to know your age, marital status, or which countries you plan on nuking. Keep them on their toes and they’ll be begging for more.
3) Make ugly haircuts illegal. You want those foreign women swooning over the sexy North Korean studs they wish they could have.
4) Speaking of sexy, keep your people on a diet of nothing. We’re going for starvation-chic.
5) Flex your military might. A simple parade before a nuclear test will do. Functional weaponry optional.
6) Allow women to wear pants. You no longer have to send skilled tailors on patrol for women wearing pants, and let them “offer” a free pants-to-skirt conversion.
7) Enforce a “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy that applies to everything and everyone. The simple peasants need not be bothered by petty issues like food supplies and world affairs. They have state-of-the-art factories to operate.
8) Give tourists the famous North Korean hospitality when they visit. Assigning them guides and inspecting their SD cards shows that our country cares about their comfort. Also, by never letting them wander alone, they’ll never get lost.
9) If a citizen gets angry with you, highly encourage him or her to take up counseling sessions with the police. We’re told they’re so effective, that most people barely make an impression on society afterwards.
10) Rule hard, die never. You should avoid the advice of our American enemy, M.I.A.: Live fast, die young.
11) Solve the problem of crap American media by banning it and replacing it with hard-hitting journalism and entertaining cinema. Pulgasari was one of North Korea’s favorite movies.
12) The busy and happy lives of North Koreans sometimes make them forgetful. Remind them frequently of the enemy with friendly posters, children’s stories, and radio and television broadcasts. If they still show signs of memory loss, send them to special rehabilitation centers.
13) Make friends with other countries. I hear Iran is friendly.
14) And finally, when in doubt, tick off America.
If you have any further questions about your time as Dear Leader, contact one of the experts below:
Once again, congratulations!