10 Comical Reasons Why the Romney Foreign Policy Tour Will Flop

Mitt Romney is about to embark on a foreign policy tour, also known as a funding and political capital raising (something he knows a lot about) world tour. It’s bound to be problematic. Here are 10 reasons why: 

10) He doesn’t drink. 

A foreign tour without alcohol is implausible. It is the lubricating oil of diplomacy. What, after all, will take the edge of meeting all those funny foreign people with odd accents and bad teeth? When Romney meets important foreign leaders, what will he offer them? A Pepsi? A round of orange juice without the pulp? And, when invited to be wined-and-dined, what will the wine be replaced with? Tap water with ice just doesn’t cut the French mustard.

9) He probably doesn’t own a passport.

Romney is all-American. Indeed, he likes to remind everyone of just how American he is. An ordinary Joe, with an above average ride and bank balance but still very much your next door neighbour (albeit the one you despise as a showoff). But, if Romney truly resembles an average American, then he probably will not have a passport. Being the first Presidential candidate to be deported from the UK or Israel for failing to meet immigration requirements would certainly be an ironic first.

8) He’s used to warmer climates. 

This is a man well versed in Cayman Island climates, with maybe a little timely Swiss visit or a small weekender in Bermuda. London and Tel Aviv clearly are not the same, as he could undoubtedly show everyone a good time at an ultra-secret little beach hideaway in Bermuda.

7) Travelling by campaign plane is not the same as travelling by private jet.

There are #firstworldproblems, and #superwealthyfirstworldproblems. One of these has to be having to travel abroad by regular presidential campaign plane, instead of private jet. Bummer. He’ll have to settle for premium orange juice, instead of his favourite elixir of orange juice picked by poor people on his estate. He’ll have to manage with regular leather seats, instead of luxury leather seats embossed with his own profile and motto (“There is no capital in poor”). Life is hard for Romney, and this trip will be a total deprivation.

6) Son’s name.

It might be that Tagg, one of his many identical sons, has a name that could be found to be offensive in some parts of the world. Pity the poor campaign intern who has to research that in outer-Mongolian dialect.

5) He needs to book a whole floor for his family. 

Another issue with having a veritable army instead of a family is that he’ll have to book a whole floor of a hotel for them. His family, however, might only stay at the Ritz, or similar establishment of note. Best for Romney to start booking now, before other large Mormon Presidential families come and ‘steal’ the rooms he needs. He wouldn't want to compromise on a five star with a four star.

4) There’s no space to put his dog on the roof of the plane. 

He’s tried and tested this already on his Lear Jet. It didn’t work. It was messy. Tagg was traumatised. It was their worst family vacation to Aspen ever. Fact.

3) He might meet Socialists. 

That could be awkward. Then he might have to realise that the world is not quite as black and white, or socialist thug communist versus whiter-than-white capitalists. It might be quite a learning process. Is he really ready for that?

2) He’ll have to be specially coiffed in his Kippah.

His hairstyle is legendary. Always the same. Always elegantly in place, and suspiciously greying, but it will take hours for him to be fully coiffed into a Kippah. Hours and hours, trying to get the Kippah screen tested and ready for the cameras. Israel is just not worth that star treatment. 

1) He’s not Coldplay. 

This may seem obvious, but to call his trip abroad a ‘world tour’ sounds somewhat diva-esque, and is usually reserved for people of more popular appeal such as Coldplay, Madonna, Jay-Z. After all, Romney will be lucky if he packs out the larger rooms at some exclusive London hotel.

In 2008, however, there was a man who made a speech in Berlin and attracted over 200,000 people, catching the attention of the world through the force of his words. But, Mitt Romney can never be him. Best he stick to the premium orange juice.