It's Murphy's law of dating: Everything that can go wrong, will.
According to a survey from Glamour, the average woman goes on at least four "disaster dates" before meeting someone serious. Given today's dating landscape, four actually sounds low — we're meeting practical strangers we've only vetted based off a few (filtered) photos, TV show interests and a 90-character bio filled with trite, ripped-from-the-Internet descriptions. The humiliating, awkward moments are basically guaranteed.
We typically endure these moments in horror, then immediately take to our friends to text: "OMG, you won't believe what just happened..." But there's a lot to learn from horror stories — or, at least, a lot to laugh at. So Mic surveyed readers via Tumblr and a publicly released Google form to confess their most cringe-worthy and completely bizarre dates.
You know, the ones that make us all basically want to give up.
When your date turns out to be freakier than you can handle:
"She went into a funeral director's where another woman was talking to the director, took a brochure and giggled. Later she claimed she wanted to check the prices for a novel she was writing."
"An OKCupid date showed up and his face was, without warning, completely paralyzed ('temporarily', he wrote to me on a napkin). He spent the whole date writing on napkins and unable to emote. At least warn a girl, dude."
"A guy told me how he gambled away $30,000 the week before, [and] how he makes his money gambling on poker players. I think he was high — he kept sniffing and wiping his nose on his arm."
When your date crosses the fine line between totally honest and totally creepy:
"I once had a girl tell me that she thought it was hilarious when her landlord beat his dogs with a baseball bat. It's the only time I refused to pay for a date's dinner (because seriously, to hell with that girl). The last hour consisted of me begging her to call the police."
"This guy said he was so excited to meet me that he didn't do heroin all week. I thought he was kidding, then he took off his sunglasses and his eyes were all fucked up and I ran away."
"The guy was telling me how he ate his hair and that he is homeless until next week, when he'll get a writing gig and get a room. Then he begged me not to yell?! (why would I?) because his ex was bipolar and she would often yell."
When the entire date is a series of exceedingly awkward occurrences:
"First date, went to an open air restaurant. There was a fly buzzing around us. I 'pretended' to snap at the fly like a dog would, but I actually caught the fly, biting it in half, the head, still squirming landing on the white tablecloth."
"Choked on a boba from bubble tea by sucking too hard. Happened on both the first and third dates."
"He walked into a poster board. ... While were were walking, a bird shit across his forehead in bright lime green (picture: Rafiki painting across Simba's forehead in the Lion King). I offered him my scarf to wipe it off, but he refused. Instead, he took off one of his socks in the middle of winter, wiped off his forehead and stuffed the sock back in his pocket. He walked around sockless the rest of the date. I immediately needed a drink. Leaving the bar, he told me he couldn't tell if I was into him. Then he tripped on the sidewalk curb and fell down. 'Damn, that's my third humiliation!' he said. I replied, 'Which three?'"
When you probably should have just stayed home:
"I went on a terrible first date and after it was over, texted a woman who I had been on a great first date with recently to schedule a second date with her. To my great surprise, she was with the woman who I had just been on the terrible first date with and they were good friends. I never saw either of them again."
"I once went on a date with a girl I met on OkCupid which consisted of me wandering up and down the street for two hours... [Eventually] she texted me to say that she was exhausted, and had been cat-called by a bunch of drunk assholes while walking by a bar, so she really felt like she wasn't in shape to be meeting anybody for the first time. She decided to head home and we never bothered to try that again."
"Intensely awkward date in which I did all the talking, the guy mirrored my every sip of tea, no chemistry... Then once I'd extricated myself, he texted me as I walked to the bus and told me we needed to write a children's book together. We did not write a children's book together."