This Lesbian Is Teaching Straight Men "How to Fuck a Woman"

"Love it or not, you have to eat it like you love it." When in doubt, lick ladyparts in a method much like "very tiny cross-country skiing."

When it comes to kissing, "Your tongue is not a Mars rover. It is not an exploration device programmed to bring back saliva samples to NASA."

For the seemingly all-important boobs, "the tease is better than the squeeze."

And as for the wetness of the vagina: "Get out that dipstick finger and check your lady's internal moisture levels... If she isn't wet enough and she's telling you she's into it, that she's all ready for your fat wiener, she's a liar. You simply haven't done enough to get her going, or she's just not into you. The vagina never tells lies."

And neither does Ali Adler. 

In the witty and insightful new book How to Fuck a Woman, author, TV writer and heroic lesbian Adler offers up pages upon pages of unvarnished sex advice for men. Her credentials? "You're trying to fuck a woman; I get it. I've done it. I aim to do it again in a couple of hours," she writes. 

As a woman who has sex with women, she knows a thing or two about what women want in bed, from certain below-the-belt moves to particular erogenous zones. But the most important piece of advice, in fact, belies the book's title: "Fucking a woman" isn't really about fucking at all. 

Ali Adler
Source: 
Mic/YouTube

Women have unique needs: At the core of Adler's book is the reality that men and women have distinct needs in bed. Overall, straight women do not climax as much as their male partners during sex; studies have shown that only 25% of women orgasm consistently from vaginal penetration. On the other hand, 90% reportedly orgasm from clitoral stimulation, and yet 35% of women say they aren't getting the right kind of stimulation, according to a Cosmopolitan survey

This is where Adler comes in, with a lesbian perspective. "While I was having sex with myself or other girls, you were masturbating at a speed that's the opposite of what's good for women," she writes in the introduction. "So I have an advantage, and it's time to share it."

After all, as science has shown, "lesbian women had a significantly higher probability of orgasm than did either heterosexual or bisexual women." Women, it would seem, really know women.

Ali Adler
Source: 
Mic/YouTube

You've got to communicate: What can men learn about women's needs? The biggie is that sex is about coming together, so to speak, not just physically but emotionally and intellectually. Communication is key to being "successful sexually," Adler told Mic, which means "being open... and being truthful."

That also requires cultivating an ethos of care beyond the immediate concerns of the penis. Adler discusses at length how men can build real intimacy with their girlfriends, from asking women for advice to talking to them in-person, rather than through the "emotional void" of the text message.

After all, science shows that when women are included, respected and listened to, good sex happens. Multiple studies have shown women are more likely to orgasm in a serious relationship, versus casual sex. "Specific sexual practices, experience with a particular partner and commitment all predict women's orgasm and sexual enjoyment," note one set of study authors. In other words, it's more than just "fucking."  

It's all about coming together: Caring about a woman's orgasm, paying attention to what she wants — that would all add up to "putting the woman first," right? Not exactly, says Adler. The seemingly feminist approach of "putting a woman first" is based in the selfishness of altruism. "Pleasuring someone else is the more selfish move, because then you get to relax because your work is done," she told Mic. "Giving is receiving. It's true in all thing — whatever you put out into the world you receive." 

In other words, it's a mutual experience, not two transactional, one-sided experiences.

Fucking a woman — that is, fucking her well — entails more than just shoving your "skin cane" into a vagina, as Adler puts it. It's about the person-to-person connection that's built over time. 

"If you're just in this to put your penis in a vagina, there's plenty of alcohol and women with low self-esteem who will probably allow you to," Adler concludes in the book. "But I would like to get you up and fucking, and to keep doing it until it actually feels like something more than just a sexual act; something like love."

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Marcie Bianco

Dr. Marcie Bianco is a Staff Writer at Mic, a Contributing Editor at Curve Magazine, and an adjunct associate professor at Hunter College. She has contributed to AfterEllen, Feministing, The Feminist Wire, The Huffington Post, Lambda Literary, XO Jane, and The Women’s Review of Books. She writes and lectures about ethics, from feminism to race relations. Her current writing projects include a manuscript about lesbian academic affairs and a collection of feminist essays.

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