On Friday, the Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage nationwide, granting every American the constitutional right to get married — yes, even the gay ones.
Though we're still waiting for that anti-gay-marriage pastor to set himself on fire, God has wasted no time letting his discontent be known across our great nation.
Tremble, sinners, for your end is nigh.
1. Storms plague the Midwest
God's wrath descended on Kansas City, Missouri, uprooting this tree.
2. Traffic shuts down San Francisco
Local media reported that San Francisco is flooded with traffic over the weekend, possibly the result of panicked Christians fleeing the city limits as hordes of same-sex carpoolers and parade marchers blocked all inbound lanes in the direction of the county courthouse.
3. Sporting events ruined
Boston Red Sox right fielder Alejandro de Aza failed to catch this baseball, the result of a troubled mind contemplating the upheaval of 5,000 years of human tradition.
4. Protester steals Confederate battle flag from South Carolina Statehouse
What is America coming to?
5. Sharks descend on California beaches
Biologists detected at least 15 great white sharks swimming off the coast of a California beach, which WTAE4 reports "prompted the cancellation of a lifeguard competition."
6. "Top Gun 2" is being made
In the wake of the Supreme Court's decision, fearful Americans learned that the Almighty has cursed us with a franchise reboot starring Tom Cruise. This is what happens when you reject His teachings.
7. Bed bugs descend on Kissimmee resort
A family claims that a plague of bed bugs forced them out of their Kissimmee, Florida, hotel during their vacation. It's like the Supreme Court never read the Old Testament.
8. Giant duck invades Philadelphia
If this isn't a sign that God has abandoned us, then nothing is.
9. It's going to rain today, maybe
Get your ark ready, conservative fundamentalists.