Earlier this week, a British woman made headlines for causing a minor traffic accident when she crashed her Mini Cooper into a seafood delivery truck. The culprit? Her Rampant Rabbit sex toy, with which she was pleasuring herself while driving her car.
Thankfully, she only walked away with a traffic citation and a bruised ego. But if this lady thought a traffic jam was an opportune moment to partake in some haphazard bean-flicking, do others also think it's OK to masturbate in public? And if so, where?
As it turns out, a) yes, and b) everywhere! Based on a Google survey conducted by Mic, the list of places where people are masturbating has enough public institutions to fill up a SimTown.
Of course, masturbation itself is harmless. But masturbating in public, with the express intention of flashing bystanders, is not. It's illegal in most parts of the United States, and there's often an element of threat or harassment, especially when the masturbator is male. But public exhibitionism aside, there's something timelessly hilarious about frisky youngsters succumbing to their urges in the privacy of a middle school public bathroom.
Which is what plenty of you have done. If nothing else, the following list confirms one inspiring truth about the indefatigability of human nature: If people are horny, they'll pretty much masturbate wherever they please, decorum and public decency be damned. Here are the most popular places to spill your bodily fluids.
1. At school
Considering that 53% of men and 25% of women have had their first masturbation experiences by the ages of 11 to 13, it's not surprising that many of you reported engaging in a little self-pleasure during middle school. What is surprising, however, is that y'all didn't retire to a bathroom stall or even a dark library aisle to do it.
"Eighth grade, with my cello hiding my erection, sitting in a practice room closet in strings class. The teacher opened the door on me like 30 seconds after I came and I wiped cum into the carpet with my shoe to hide it." — Male, 31
"I would rub myself on the chairs in the classroom when I was in middle school." — Female, age unspecified
"In biology class in high school. Bored and stoned, sitting in the back row, wanted to see if I could get there without anyone noticing. Through my American Apparel black leggings." — Female, age 25
"When I was 14 or 15 I learned about Kegels from Sex and the City, so I decided to try them out one day during geometry class. I basically had my first hands-free orgasm right there. Geometry class got a lot more fun after that." — Female, age 26
2. At the office
Well, that explains why your boss is always out of breath during those Wednesday afternoon conference calls. Hey, Americans now work nearly 50 hours a week — it's no shock that you're going to be in the office when some urges strike.
"Around age 11 I learned how to cum without touching myself (LOL Catholic guilt). The last time I ever indulged in a hands-free masturbation session I was working as an editorial intern at a small book publishing company. I came across a mildly raunchy scene in a manuscript I was reviewing and couldn't help myself. My boss's daughter was in the same room. She never had a clue." — Female, age unspecified
"I'm one of those lucky ladies for whom our lower abdomen is sensitive, so it doesn't take much. Just about everywhere before I turned maybe 18 or so, and then I more conscientiously used my powers after that point. So certainly... at work (when I've been alone in the room)." — Female, age 29
"Public restroom in an office building." — Male, age 24
"Backstage while doing run crew for a show." — Female, age 22
"During my lunch break in a vacant office of a law firm on the 28th floor of the Bank of America Building in San Francisco. I used non-absorbent steno paper for the clean up." — Male, age 32
3. In the car
Apparently, the Bristol motorist wasn't an isolated incident: According to a May survey of 600 people from the sex toy company We-Vibe, 20% of men polled and 19% of women copped to masturbating in their cars. (Interestingly, nearly 35% of those respondents were from the Midwest.) Is it safe? Probably not! But does it give new meaning to the term "keep your hands at 9 and 3"? Yes, yes it does.
"The car while driving. :-( " —Male, age 24
"I was 18, I'd just been to see my then-girlfriend who was at school in the middle of nowhere, and I was driving home on a country road with no one on it. I felt the urge to masturbate, and I remember being weirdly confident that no one would drive by and see. Luckily I was right, I never saw another car the whole time (it was a pretty remote part of Michigan), and after I finished I cleaned up with McDonald's napkins from the glove compartment." — Male, age 25
4. In houses of worship
Who says that millennials are a generation of atheists?
"In church." — Female, age 29
"The Vatican." — Female, age 28
"Bathroom of an empty synagogue. Don't ask." — Male, age unspecified [Editor's note: We won't.]
5. On airplanes and trains
Although it seems like a no-brainer, it's apparently necessary to state: It's not super kosher to masturbate on a plane. If you're caught jerkin' the gherkin at 25,000 feet like this poor fool, you could potentially face 90 days in jail, as well as a $5,000 fine.
That said, more than a few of you reported having applied for solo membership in the Mile High Club. Take note: If you really can't make it to the bathroom, keep your hands to yourself and maybe put a blanket over your junk next time.
"On a seven-hour flight." — Male, age 25
"On planes (pretty regularly, in the seat but under a blanket)." — Female, age 29
"Probably the bathroom of a commuter rail train." — Male, age 25
"Airplane bathroom. I was watching The Lego Movie on the plane after a weekend trip to LA. I started thinking about how excited I was to fuck my (then new) boyfriend when I got home and I got so worked up that I had to go to the bathroom, lean against the wall and finger myself standing up. I came in under a minute." — Female, age 25
"On an Amtrak train." — Male, age 27
"Airplane bathroom on a flight from London to JFK. (I was drunk/bored/horny af.)" — Male, age 26
6. In medical facilities
Something tells us we're better off not knowing the backstories behind these. Yes, masturbation is healthy, but not necessarily when done in health (or seriously unhealthy) facilities.
"Doctor's office." — Male, age 25
"A hospital." — Male, age 26
"Inside a tanning bed... repeatedly." — Female, age 26
7. In the vicinity of parents
We don't even have words for this.
"In my friend's parent's living room." — Male, age 29
"Under a blanket during the television airing of The X-Files series finale in the same room as my mother. (I stretched the blanket from my neck to my feet to hide my boner.)" — Male, age 26