Sunday marks the 20th anniversary of what is perhaps one of the most influential (not to mention quotable) films of all time: Clueless. Among its many strengths was the movie's hilarious yet endearing depiction of relationships, both high school and adult. But when you take a closer look at the majority of the couples who ended up together in the film, something jumps out:
Most of the relationships in Clueless would have been totally nuts if they existed IRL.
Bear with us for a moment: While we wouldn't actually want to change anything about the movie itself, there's no denying that if a couple like Josh and Cher hooked up in any of our actual high schools, it would have just made everyone uncomfortable (and possibly gotten Josh arrested). He was over eighteen; she was a minor. Not to mention they were ex-step siblings — as if!
That said, the rest of the ensemble cast has tons of quirky characters and juicy missed love connections. So in the spirit of Cher-inspired matchmaking, we decided to come up with nine made-up couples to replace the Clueless mismatches, as well as throw a bone to the movie's unsung heroes.
1. Summer and Lawrence
Lawrence would have been such a fun boyfriend, and the spunky, light-up snowman-carrying Summer would have been his perfect match. We have a feeling these underrepresented characters could have seen some major sparks fly, if only from bonding over how little screen time they had. (After all, research has found that having common ground in a relationship matters, like, a lot.)
2. Mel Horowitz and Lucy, the maid from El Salvador (not Mexico)
Given all the nonsense Lucy had to put up with from Cher, girlfriend deserved to be treated to her own fairy tale version of Maid in Manhattan. Plus Mel was always so busy with work, and Lucy's in-house location would have made for the ultimate geographically convenient relationship.
3. Ms. Stoeger and One of the Evil Trolls From the Math Department
Sure, the evil trolls from the math department ("Oooh, Snickers!") were married to each other, but let's be honest: These ladies clearly use the same colorist. They're a match made in Bronson Alcott High School heaven.
4. Christian and Paroudasm
We never really got to see Christian get his groove on with another dude in the film, which is a damn shame, because remember how well he could groove? Meanwhile, Farsi-speaking Paroudasm made only the briefest cameo during Mr. Hall's tardy inventory, so we don't even know what his sexual orientation is, but we feel like Christian's fashion expertise could seriously help him out with that sweater situation.
5. Elton and literally no one, ever
It's not that Elton wasn't cute: He was totally a Baldwin. But we're just not yet ready to forgive him for his problematic tendency to not take "no" for an answer when Cher rejects his advances. Dude needs some serious alone time to reflect and think about how to properly interact with potential sexual partners. Plus, he was a snob and a half. Snobs are the worst kinds of people to date, if this first-person narrative from a Wall Street banker girlfriend is any indication.
6. Amber and Heather
Even though her memory of Hamlet was inaccurate, Heather gave us a progressive and open-minded college chick vibe, one that we hope might have allowed her to explore her sexually fluid side. Meanwhile, Amber was prohibited from engaging in any activity where balls fly at her nose. Hooking up with Heather would make this restriction a non-issue.
7. Murray and Tai
While it's excruciatingly painful to tear Tai and Travis apart, this pairing would actually make a surprising amount of sense. Sure, Murray and Dionne were inseparable after their near-death experience on the freeway, but let's keep it real: Murray's immaturity was going to be the death of that relationship. Tai, on the other hand, would have been more likely to roll with it. Also, given that she admitted to having "done it in water," it's reasonable to assume she'd be down to have the vehicular sex that Dionne informed us Murray was into.
8. Dionne and Josh
Even though she was in high school, Dionne embodied many characteristics of a grown-ass woman: confident, smart and self-aware. If anyone in the film could have benefited from Josh's college-guy smarts and maturity, which one 2012 study found is strongly tied to relationship satisfaction, it was her. Plus, remember that time she asked Cher, "Is Josh giving you shit because he's going through his post-adolescent idealistic phase?" Only someone who actually paid attention and cared about Josh could have delivered such a withering analysis.
9. Cher and Travis
Trying to find a suitable partner for Cher really is like searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie. But after some deliberation, we've decided that Travis would have actually been ideal for her. Boyfriend became a lovable cult favorite thanks to his endearing, puppy dog energy (not to mention his legendary Egg McMuffin tardiness speech). His laid-back vibe would be a breath of fresh air in moments when Cher's inability to locate her white collarless shirt from Fred Segal has her totally buggin', and a relationship study from Columbia University concluded that opposites do indeed attract. Plus, Travis would have no problem stepping back and letting Cher be in the spotlight (except for when he participates in skateboarding competitions).
And lastly, the couple already so perfect that even we won't fuck with them:
Mr. Hall and Miss Geist
Or should we say Mr. and Mrs. Hall?
These two were soul mates, and even in this made-up, free-for-all of couple-rearranging madness, we couldn't find it in our hearts to tear such a perfect marriage apart. #LoveWins.