Greetings, patriot. You're here because you're a Real American: a red-white-and-blue-blooded Yankee who believes in the global superiority of the United States. Superiority in all things, like education, healthcare and especially technology.
These achievements in tech should prove beyond a doubt that the United States is technologically superior to literally every other country on the planet — past, present and future. In fact, if there were an emblem of global technological excellence, it would be a bald eagle in a monster truck shaped like Lady Liberty — if her torch were a 3-D printed flamethrower that douses enemies in truth.
Need proof? Read on.
1. We're leading the way in solar energy.
Just check out this place:
Oh, that's in Spain. Never mind.
Well who cares? We don't need solar, because we're in the middle of a major shale boom, which should last nearly forever ... or, well, at least another day or so.
2. America has the best transportation system.
See that super-fast train below? Yeah, that's in Japan.
Japan might have "Shinkansen" bullet trains that travel up to 200 mph, but America doesn't need that. If humans were meant to move that quickly, we would have been born that way. And now Japan has a new national project to build an underground maglev train that moves 314 mph? Sounds risky.
We'll keep our slow-ass subway system just the way it is. Besides, it's not like we need the subway at all. Roads and cars are working fine.
3. Our national security system is transparent and flawless.
From a 2014 study by the New America Foundation:
Surveillance of American phone metadata has had no discernible impact on preventing acts of terrorism and only the most marginal of impacts on preventing terrorist-related activity, such as fundraising for a terrorist group.
4. People love that our search engines know everything about us.
In Europe, you don't have to worry about your online presence haunting you forever. Sounds like they've all got something to hide, right?
The nanny states of Europe banded together against Google so that if you're not happy with how you appear in Google search results, you can simply ask Google to take them down. It's called the "right to be forgotten," and it's ruining the egalitarian search engine for the sake of personal privacy or whatever. It was recently revealed that over 280,000 people have requested this service.
Let 'em disappear. I'm exercising my right to forget them right now.
5. We have the fastest Internet in the goddamn world.
How long did it take this page to load for you? Did it load at lightning speed? It must have, considering how fast this Internet is comin' atcha.
6. Everybody loves our Internet service providers.
7. Our e-commerce networks are way ahead of everyone else's.
In America, the free-market capital of world history, cash is king. It rules everything around us. Sure, we pay for some things via apps on our phones — apps and bills, mostly — but not nearly like African countries do.
In Sub-Saharan Africa, mobile is king. An entire third of Kenya's gross domestic product moves through a single cellphone payment system called M-PESA, one of the largest and most impressive e-commerce networks in the world. It's the kind of thing that drives those Bitcoin and future-of-money enthusiasts absolutely bonkers with their "decentralized systems."
But we have Apple Pay, right?
8. We're cultivating a safer, greener Earth.
But at least we're not Norway, trying to find silly solutions to the problem we've created.
Norway got this idea into its head that humanity could be on its way toward extinction due to climate change. So, the Guardian reported, a Norwegian team has begun freezing thousands of plant species — more than 720,000 already — on a faraway mountain in an earthquake-proof bunker in case the apocalypse comes.
Luddites. Let 'em freeze.
You can't beat the country that invented guns, freedom, the Internet and the printing press with that kind of defeatist attitude. No, to lead the world into a new American century, we need a certain kind of blindness — a profound inability to perceive failure, hesitation or even our most pressing threats.
This is the most advanced country in the world, undeterred by science or facts.