In a stunning announcement today, imagineers from Disney World in Orlando, FL have confirmed that presidential candidate Mitt Romney is in fact one of the theme parks' animatronic creations. Disney's animatronics are the lifelike creations that have thrilled parkgoers for years at attractions like the “It’s a Small World” ride, and the Country Bear Jamboree; Mitt Romney is the first animatronic creation known to have run for public office.
“We're all mighty proud of Mitt,” said project director Steve Micowicz, “and a lot of credit has to go to our Disney imagineers. Mitt is so lifelike that many people thought they were talking to an actual human being!” Micowicz beamed. Though he went on to note that with increased scrutiny on the campaign trail, Mitt Romney's jerky movements, sometimes odd speech patterns, and inability to connect with ordinary Americans had begun to raise questions about their creation's veracity.
Dr. Parvish Patel, head of the Mitt Romney Project's artificial intelligence unit echoed Micowicz's thoughts. “Things were great for Mitt Romney at first,” Patel said, “but as he had to spontaneously interact with more and more people on the campaign trail, his Turing number kept dropping.” Here, Dr. Patel is referring to the Turing Test – a series of questions meant to differentiate between human and computer-generated responses. “His Turing numbers are down to 49%,” Patel added, “when speaking to Mitt, half the people now realize they are not talking to an actual human being. That's just not good enough.”
Dr. Mindy Cha, head linguist for the Mitt Romney Project blamed the problem on the complex syntax of the English language. “When asked a question, Mitt Romney just defaults to parroting back a version of the original question,” Cha explained, “that's why you get instances where when asked what he bought at a hardware store, Mitt Romney replies: 'hardware',” Dr. Cha said, rolling her eyes. Cha added that this trait has become more pronounced as the campaign drags on. Mitt Romney has also had difficulty remembering elements from the extremely detailed biography crafted for him by writers from Disney's animated movie unit, Pixar. “Ask Mitt about his time as governor and you get nothing,” Dr. Patel said, “the years 2003-2007 are like a black hole to him. Imagine someone running for president who just ignores the years he spent as a governor?” Dr. Patel asked. “It just wasn't credible.”
Despite the revelation that Mitt Romney is in fact an animatronic creation, Republican National Committee Chair Reince Priebus said the GOP has no plans to drop Mitt Romney as their candidate in November. “We've already invested more than a year in this process, the Mitt Romney brand is too well known nationally now to make a change,” Priebus explained. “Besides, who are we going to replace him with, Ron Paul?” Preibus asked in a fit of hysterical laughter.
But there may be problems ahead for the Mitt Romney candidacy. Well-known “birther” Orly Taitz claims that she has evidence some of Mitt Romney's sub-assemblies were built at Walt Disney's Tokyo theme park, which she says means Mitt Romney is not a “natural born American” and thus ineligible for the presidency. Meanwhile, former Reagan administration official Frank Gaffney is demanding Disney release the religious backgrounds of all involved with the Mitt Romney project. Gaffney fears that any Muslims involved in the Mitt Romney Project may have inserted malicious code into Mitt Romney's software, potentially turning him into an agent for anti-American Islamist forces. “We cannot put a Muslim Brotherhood sleeper agent in the Oval Office!” Gaffney thundered in an online chat with former TV talk show host Glenn Beck, who tearfully nodded in agreement.
When asked by the press during a campaign stop at the country fair in Monroe, OH, how it felt to be an animatronic creation, Mitt Romney replied: “I've already discussed my religious background enough with you people,” before jerkily heaping a spoonful of dough into a vat of boiling oil. “Now who wants funnel cake!”