True Blood is almost finished for the season. What will fill the fang-sized holes in our hearts? Duh, Sunday Night Football. That transition isn't always a natural one. But, fortunately, Al Michaels, commentator for SNF, is a huge fan of porny vampires suckling on Cajun fairies. To smooth our Sunday night crossover, Al and his color commentator Chris Collinsworth huddled around the DVR to deliver crisp synopses of in-show action. Take it away, Al!
Al Michaels: Hello everyone. Thank you Dustin for that riveting introduction. It's been a fantastic season for viewers of the show True Blood, meaning that it's been a terrible season for the residents of Bon Temps. I'm joined by my sarcastic partner, Chris Collinsworth. Chris, has there been a single good thing that has happened this season?
Chris Collinsworth: Well, I would have to say no, Al. An argument could be made for that one couple's marriage surviving a fiery version of the smoke monster from Lost, but when you think of how incredibly dull that storyline was, I'd consider the two of them living to actually be a bad thing for the show. Outside of that, Bill is weirder than ever, and Sookie hasn't gotten laid in at least three episodes. There just hasn't been much to smile about this season.
Al: I couldn't have said it better myself. And here we go! We open up with Bill finding himself confronted by Lillith. He appears seduced, then struggles, then hits his knees! Despite the demon queen's requests, Bill will not drink the entire vial of Lillith blood today!
Chris: I'll tell you, Al. I really like Lillith's approach to vampiric seduction. She enters hallucinations as equal parts bloody and naked. From my experience, vampires don't like anything more than feeding and having sex, and I get that. I wouldn't say no to a topless Kate Upton bringing me a cheeseburger. You know what I mean, Al?
Al: I certainly do, Chris. Nora seems to be having a hard time with Godric's intense tonsil removal at the hands of Lillith.
Chris: She'll get over it.
Al: Ginger Jessica appears concerned about Jason's well being.
Chris: She'll get over it.
Al: I certainly hope so. We've seen Jessica cry a lot of blood this season, something that might continue as she strikes an agreement with her maker Bill to turn Jason into a vampire!
Chris: I'll tell you what I don't like about that script-turn, Al. Jason is about the only human being left in the show that carries any gravitas whatsoever. This might be the biggest struggle for True Blood at this point in the show. All the humans in it are so incapable, that they might as well just be vampire food. Unless I see some human competence soon, I'm going to be supporting the Sanguanista movement!
Al: That's a bold stance. But I can't totally say I disagr--OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS!? Nora and Eric are getting it on! Aren't they brother and sister!?
Chris: Al, I don't want to overreact to this. The rules on undead incest aren't completely clear, and unless you're one of those right wing whack-jobs that believe brothers and sisters hooking up is immoral, I don't see the problem. It's not like they can have inbred offspring. Why shouldn't they hook up?
Al: You might be right. I'm sure True Blood writers, who know far more about scripting a sex-laden vampire drama than I do, are doing the right thing with this plot line.
Chris: Yeah. It's hard to imagine that this could just be gratuitous sex.
Al: If that were the case, they wouldn't have put the chastity belt on Sookie.
Chris: Maybe Sookie needed to take some time off from getting off.
Chris: Johnny Bench called...
Al: Speaking of Sookie, she's still hanging out in the fairy tent. Let's hit snooze on the fairies as a general of anonymous repute to this reporter addresses the Authority in an authoritative fashion. This looks like the opposite of an "opposites attract" situation, Chris.
Chris: You're absolutely right, Al. But I like it. It's the first strong and logical stance we've seen from humanity in quite some time. The General is right. Humans have the technological weaponry and a favorable share of daylight savings on their side. Maybe humans will show some backbone in this show!
Al: Northman! Out of nowhere! The General is killed without anyone even hinting at a 21-gun salute! The rest of the authority is jumping into damage control mode.
Chris: That tears it! I'm all in for the Sanguanista movement.
Al: Meanwhile, Jessica is luring Jason to a giant hole. She lurches; bites, and Jason go down! Considering Jason lived by following his penis, the self-centered nature of vampire life shouldn't be that big of a shakeup for him.
Chris: Jason's done too? Humans suck. Hail, Lillith!
Al: Let's go to Michelle Tafoya who is actually in the hole with Jess and Jason! Michelle, what's it like down there?
Michelle: Thanks, Al. I tried to get Jason's opinion on the transformation from human being to undead parasite, but when I asked, all he did was lay there unconsciously. Otherwise, it's not a bad hole to be in. Back to you guys.
Al: Thanks, Michelle. Hard to imagine what we'd do without a sideline rep--HOLD ON! Jason jumps up and shoots Jessica's bodyguards. They pop like a cluster of bloated ticks in a French press!
Al: Jason seems unhappy being the victim of a pseudo-rapey, near death experience. He runs away. Pam, Tara and Jess are at Fangtasia discussing...
Chris: I'm gonna jump in here, Al. They're discussing how they don't know what to do since the important characters like Bill, Eric and Sookie have abandoned them. This is nothing but a blatant insult to True Blood fans. I already know that Pam, Tara, Jess, Sam and Luna aren't contributing to this show at all. To watch them sit around and flaunt their pointlessness with angsty discussion about being pointless is an embarrassment. They need to start killing humans or just pack it in!
Al: Sam and Luna...
Chris: Let's move on.
Al: Eric and Nora run away from the Authority together.
Chris: How long do you think vampires can sustain that super-speed thing?
Al: In a new development, we meet a fairy elder. She's telling Sookie that there's some kind of poorly explained reason that Sookie is attracted to super-human beings.
Chris: It can't be that different than being attracted to rich and famous guys.
Al: The elder fairy does not seem happy about Russell Edgington being alive.
Chris: It would seem that the elder fairy needs better advisors. She knows how to spell Ke$ha but doesn't know that Russell’s alive? That's like someone in the real world reading a True Blood recap instead of the Wall Street Journal.
Al: Alcide is swinging an ax around.
Chris: I have a lot of friends who think that guys is really hot! No homo.
Al: No homo, indeed! I'd have to say that while I wouldn't say it in the first person myself, I don't disagree with your friends. OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THIS! Jess sniffs some grade-L homosexuality between Tara and Pam! Chris, do you like this angle?
Chris: Lesbians? Why not? When you're at the rock bottom of character development, every direction is up.
Al: Pam gets arrested by the authority.
Chris: I rest my case.
Al: Jason gets glamoured into leading the Russell and Newlin to the fairy clubhouse. Alcide and his pop lay the smacked down on some vampires. Bill beheads Doctore from Spartacus.
Chris: Seeing Doctore get killed that easily felt like watching MJ play for the Wizards.
Al: In classic True Blood fashion, the episode starts closing fast with a collage of high intensity moments. Salome is propositioned by Lillith to drink all of her in a surprisingly non-lesbian fashion! The father-son howling duet slays some rabid vampires! Sam is taken to be food for Bill!
Chris: If I, as a human being, killed a shape shifter in cow form, could I cook him and eat steak?
Al: I think they shift back upon death. A glamored Jason leads Russell and his +1 to the fairies' boom-boom room. Russell drinks the entire elder fairy and sets his sights on a tent full of quivering fairies! Cut to credits!
Chris: My predictions for the finale? We're going to see some death and sex.
Al: And isn't that why we watch? We'll see you all next week!