What If We Celebrated Valentine's Day in the Office Like We Did in Elementary School?

Source: Mic/Tri Vo
Source: Mic/Tri Vo

Remember childhood? Remember the '90s? Remember Valentine's Day as a child in the '90s?

It was a great time to be alive!

The mandatory annual exchange of Valentine's Day cards with literally everyone in your class provided many children with a respite from the doldrums of the classroom. And it didn't hurt that the occasion often involved nifty paper valentine cut-outs featuring such iconic pop cultural imagery as The Lion King, Berenstain Bears and Doug.

So here's a thought! What if we engaged in this ritual now? Like, as "adults" in the "real world." What if we were required to platonically celebrate Valentine's Day with the people we spend most of our waking weekday hours with, giving them paper cutout cards with the pop culture references that resonate with us today?

Let's explore the possibilities with some grown-up V-Day cards that are perfect for most any modern office!

1. A simple yet elegant Bernie Sanders valentine.

Perfect for: That Bernie Bro from the accounting department because you're friends with him on Facebook and he's always posting impassioned rants about how Sanders could "totally start a political revolution, man."

2. An eye-grabbing valentine featuring Crazy Eyes from Orange is the New Black

Perfect for: Your secret work crush, because a) the two of you once had shared a light laugh in a meeting over a well-timed OITNB reference, and b) the fact that you remember this insignificant moment means that you truly are crazy-eyes for this person.

3. A spooky li'l valentine featuring some dragons from Game of Thrones.

Perfect for: Your backup secret work crush (y'know, in case the other one gets married). The phrase "I won't be dragon your heart around" is perfect here because you know that, if given the chance, you'd treat their heart with the love and care of a surgeon's hands.

4. An anti-Taylor Swift valentine with a subtle Smurfs reference.

Perfect for: Your work spouse who hates Taylor Swift but loves the Smurfs. (This is specific, yes, but what work spouse relationship isn't built atop a foundation of myriad inside jokes and shared references?)

5. A slightly condescending but mostly good-natured Hillary Clinton valentine.

Perfect for: That guy who thinks he's hilarious and somehow always manages to cram, like, ten corny li'l jokes into every one of his office-wide work emails.

6. A frisky little Fifty Shades of Grey valentine.

Perfect for: Barb from HR. She will pretend to be upset that you're violating the company's anti-sexual harassment policy, but you'll know she's full of shit because you once saw her eating chocolate and reading Fifty Shades in the cafeteria with a sweaty forehead and a flushed complexion.

7. A "Hymn for the Weekend" valentine that makes some kind of reference to cultural appropriation.

Perfect for: Your v. socially conscious intern who just graduated from Sarah Lawrence. He'll either love it or hate it; there will be no middle ground — but you're his superior, so take the risk!

8. A random selection of various Kim Kardashian valentines.

Perfect for: People you don't interact with all that often (temps, that IT guy who never speaks, etc.) but have to give cards to so they don't feel left out. Also, the "Don't be fucking rude — be mine" one will be appreciated by anybody who loves a good internet meme.

How likely are you to make Mic your go-to news source?

Nicolas DiDomizio

Nicolas DiDomizio is a Staff Connections Writer at Mic. Prior to Mic, he was at MTV for 3 years. He holds a masters from NYU and a bachelors from Western Connecticut State University. Contact him at nic@mic.com.

MORE FROM

What does consent look like on a show like 'Bachelor in Paradise'?

Warner Bros. has cleared the allegations involving Corinne Olympios and DeMario Jackson, leaving many questions about consent on the show in its wake.

Bill Cosby juror didn't believe Andrea Constand because Constand wore "bare midriff" to Cosby's home

This juror's response to Constand's testimony is victim blaming 101.

In North Carolina, women can't withdraw consent after giving it

The state's consent law says that once someone gives consent, they can't revoke it.

Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman was catcalled on stage and it didn't go well

Hall of fame hockey player Marcel Dionne yelled "Look at those legs!" while onstage with Raisman at the 2017 NHL Awards.

How the Senate's draft health care plan could affect reproductive services

It is very close to the House's version of the bill, and would block federal funding for Planned Parenthood for a year.

Jury in Bill Cosby case voted 10-2 in favor of conviction, according to juror report

2 jurors prevented the unanimous vote prosecutors needed to convict Bill Cosby of criminal charges, according to an account given to ABC News.

What does consent look like on a show like 'Bachelor in Paradise'?

Warner Bros. has cleared the allegations involving Corinne Olympios and DeMario Jackson, leaving many questions about consent on the show in its wake.

Bill Cosby juror didn't believe Andrea Constand because Constand wore "bare midriff" to Cosby's home

This juror's response to Constand's testimony is victim blaming 101.

In North Carolina, women can't withdraw consent after giving it

The state's consent law says that once someone gives consent, they can't revoke it.

Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman was catcalled on stage and it didn't go well

Hall of fame hockey player Marcel Dionne yelled "Look at those legs!" while onstage with Raisman at the 2017 NHL Awards.

How the Senate's draft health care plan could affect reproductive services

It is very close to the House's version of the bill, and would block federal funding for Planned Parenthood for a year.

Jury in Bill Cosby case voted 10-2 in favor of conviction, according to juror report

2 jurors prevented the unanimous vote prosecutors needed to convict Bill Cosby of criminal charges, according to an account given to ABC News.