Nobody wants to think about what Donald Trump's dick may or may not look like. (Except for maybe his wife Melania, but even that should not be assumed.)
And yet, the Republican frontrunner made a point of telling viewers during last night's GOP debate that he definitely does NOT HAVE A TINY WIENER, OK?
The comment came after Sen. Marco Rubio was asked about his personal attacks against Trump, including a joke he had made about Trump's small hands. "And you know what they say about men with small hands? You can't trust them," Rubio wisecracked at a Virginia rally.
In response, Trump couldn't help but defend the size of the dick that he hopes to one day piss all over the White House with.
"[Rubio] referred to my hands — 'If they're small, something else must be small,'" he said. "I guarantee you there's no problem."
You know what? There actually is a problem, Donald. And it's that literally no one wants to hear you talk about your genitals on national television. The mental image of your sun-dried tomato tortilla wrap-esque penis is neither cute nor necessary.
This latest instance of Trump trying to assert his dominance by alluding to his manhood is just the tip (lol, sorry) of the iceberg in a Republican race that has been littered with enough cock and balls references to write an entire screenplay about it, which would simply be titled, Cock and Balls 2016.
In fact, just hours before last night's debate, Trump had made an innuendo about Mitt Romney's willingness to give him oral sex. After Romney called Trump a "fraud" (among other things) in a strongly-worded speech, Trump responded during a campaign rally by claiming that Romney was extra thirsty for his endorsement back in 2012.
"I could have said, 'Mitt, drop to your knees,'" Trump said. "He would have dropped to his knees. He was begging."
While the wording is certainly open to interpretation, it sure did come off as if he was making a subtle (and disturbing!) allusion to a Romney-on-Trump blowie.
Others agreed. "Romney 'getting on his knees' for Trump is about oral sex, which, according to the rules of Trump's masculinity, is shameful," John Paul Brammer wrote of the incident for the Guardian. "The association with gayness is meant to embarrass Romney, to paint him as weak and passive and to portray Trump as dominant and in control."
Let us now pause to take a brief moment to reflect and acknowledge that all of this is actually happening in real life.
It's not always about dicks with Trump, though. Sometimes he will throw a vagina into the mix while attempting to emasculate his competition. At a New Hampshire debate last month, in which he criticized Sen. Ted Cruz's stance on waterboarding as "weak," a woman in the crowd randomly yelled out, "He's a pussy!"
"She said he's a pussy," Trump immediately repeated for the crowd, clearly delighted by the opportunity to dramatically parrot the epithet. "That's terrible."
Meanwhile, the woman who shouted the original pussy remark told Mic that night that "[Trump has] got the balls the size of watermelons, whereas the other [candidates] got the balls of little grapes."
Other examples of Trump attempting to intimidate opponents with machismo can be seen in pretty much everything he's ever said to Jeb Bush, and also in the way he arrogantly bullies Rubio with the nickname "Little Marco."
It's all just a vicious cycle of dick measuring.
Needless to say, this is ridiculous and bad. First, because we're not talking about a late-night reality TV show here. We're talking about actual, IRL presidential campaigns! Secondly, there's a dark undercurrent of homophobia and sexism and toxic masculinity in all of this rhetoric.
As Brammer pointed out in that Guardian article:
The tone of the back-and-forth is clear: these are men who worry about their masculinity. Otherwise, why compete so hard to out-macho one another? If adolescence has taught me anything, it's that when you put a bunch of insecure men in a room, you're going to eventually end up at homophobia.
Watching these men try to out-masc each other makes it painfully clear that they all share the belief that the bigger the "balls," the better his chances of gaining a vote.
But here's the thing: Trying to convince America that your testicles are the size of watermelons isn't going to demonstrate that you are a worthy candidate to lead the nation. The only way to do that is to, y'know, have a solid plan for the future of our country.
So enough with the dick-measuring already! We don't care about your penis size, Trump. This painting has already proven that it's a micro, anyway. Plus, we all know you're secretly just Ursula from The Little Mermaid.
The jig is up!