"You know what? It's so weird! I'm one of those rare humans who actually doesn't defecate," is the message your body language sends on a first date. "OMG, same," the other person's body language says in response.
But sometimes, nature calls and you just gotta poop — date or no date. And on Monday, a Twitter user known as misunderstood worm recounted her recent experience of one such time.
Her tweets are below, and you must read all of them. We won't ruin it in advance with spoilers. Just know that a) things don't go well for our protagonist, and b) this story is extremely good, and will probably heal your life.
Assuming this tale is, like, true (because this is the internet, after all, and people can certainly make up stories about plucking their own poo nuggets out of the toilet if they goddamn please, particularly if said stories contain echoes of Broad City plots), misunderstood worm is far from the only person who has grappled with the question of how to dispose of one's waste during a romantic encounter.
There's this saga of a woman who clogged the toilet at her boyfriend's parents' house, this account from a man who low-key shit his pants while on a date and disposed of his underwear in a Target restroom and this similar tale from a dude who ultimately turned his fecal travails into a cartoon. There's even a book, How to Poo on a Date, that answers all burning questions one might have about how to address such a scenario. We're pretty sure, however, that it doesn't advise first-date poopers to actually pick up a turd and hide it in their purses.
We caught up with misunderstood worm via DM and she maintains her story's veracity. She added that she's not worried about her date peeping the poop tweets. "He doesn't have Twitter and isn't into social media so I don't think he will ever find out," she said.
Now please do go forth and enjoy the new lease on life that this tale has surely given you.
March 22, 2016, 4:42pm: This story has been updated to include comments from misunderstood worm.
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