In an alternate universe, it might seem obvious that male politicians shouldn't have the final say over women's reproductive health issues. But in the United States in 2016, that isn't the case — so vagina-less lawmakers keep trying to dictate what women should be doing with their bodies.
Thank God we have Amy Schumer to make fun of them.
In a fitting (if somewhat on-the-nose) satire of the government's involvement in female sexual health, the season four premiere of Inside Amy Schumer featured a sketch where Schumer goes to the gynecologist for a routine pap smear, only to find her exam will be conducted by someone else. Instead of her doctor, she's greeted by four congressmen, none of whom know dick about vaginas.
As soon as the politi-doctors assure Schumer they know better than "a bunch of science-y nerdles" about her reproductive health, they go on to ask her a few deeply uninformed questions.
The congressmen also ask Schumer how many children she has and how often she and her husband have sex. When Schumer tells them she's not married, they smile, close their binders and hand her a lollipop — because if she's not married, she must be a virgin!
"No, I'm not a virgin, I'm just not married," she says. "I just need my annual pap smear to make sure I'm healthy. I have a family history of cervical cancer." But don't mention "cervix" in front of an old white man!
What follows is some classic slut-shaming about the number of men Schumer has "laid with" in the past year, followed by exactly the sort of pelvic exam legislators seem to be gunning for (at least given the hundreds and hundreds of laws they've passed in recent years to "protect women's health"). The congressmen reposition the exam table so it faces a viewing gallery, which is, of course, full of more congressmen — all of them anxiously peering into Schumer's exposed lady parts.
She makes pretty much the only observation that could reasonably be made at that point: "I'd feel a lot more comfortable with a woman here," she says. "Aren't there any women on the women's health committee?"
One of the (old, white) congressmen responds, scoffing, "That'd be like letting the lions run the zoo!"
The rest of the men in the room guffaw as Schumer face-palms on behalf of women across America; somewhere, an angel cries.