Hey, men: You probably already know that every time you masturbate, a kitten meets its untimely demise. But did you know that your masturbation habit is also killing innocent human life? It's called sperm! So perhaps you should think twice before making the cold-hearted decision to just shoot it all over an old T-shirt and throw it in your hamper to die. Murderer.
Such is the argument Sarah Silverman made over the weekend during her comedy set at the Vulture Festival in New York City, the Huffington Post reported. She began by citing some old research which claimed that sperm cells may have the ability to "smell" their way to eggs.
"Sperm cells have the sense of smell, and you know what that means: Sperm is life," she told the audience. "And you know what that means: We've gotta legislate that shit."
She then proposed a way to do so, drawing inspiration from a law mandating that women view their ultrasounds before getting abortions:
It's a real simple procedure. We take a really long needle-like basically GoPro camera and we put it down your penis hole, urethra ... then down into your testicular sack. We're going to show you the ultrasound, so you can see the life in your balls ... You would not believe the amount of men that do not want to jerk off after that.
Ultrasounds are required for abortion-seeking women in 25 states, three of which mandate that clinics "show and describe" ultrasound images to the patient before performing an abortion. (10 states make it optional for the patient to view the image.) According to the Guttmacher Institute, these kinds of laws "appear to be a veiled attempt to personify the fetus and dissuade a woman from obtaining an abortion."
But anyway. Silverman's proposal sounds like a great idea that could ultimately prevent billions of future unnecessary deaths! How could any man with a conscience bring himself to masturbate after seeing a school of innocent sperm just swimming and smelling their way through his ball sack, simply trying to live?