Welcome to week three of The Bachelorette, aka Chad Rising: Apocalypse Chad. The show opens on all the boys bleary-eyed and hungover after a raucous rose ceremony. We see shots of the dudes waking up, and Chad eating what appears to be some kind of breakfast jerky.
Everyone is really mad at Chad, obviously — they pretty much exclusively talk about how much they hate him and don't even mention JoJo.
Then host Chris Harrison shows up and calls them "kids," which is cute. He announces this week will be different because there will be three dates: One group date and two one-on-ones, which means there are two chances (!) for someone to get kicked off straight from the date. The first one-on-one date goes to Chase (who is Chase??) and Chad is super jealous and upset.
Now it's time to check in with JoJo, who says she's already catching feelings even though it's only been two weeks. Wow, JoJo, slow down, it's going to be a long ride.
For this one-on-one date, JoJo says she's "always wanted to get into yoga," which seems like a dream she could have achieved without the help of a TV show, but whatever. They go to a yoga studio and the yoga lady asks how long they've been intimate. Haven't you ever seen The Bachelorette, yoga lady?! There's no sex until the fantasy suite!
JoJo and Chase have to grunt and roll around on the ground, which is a normal date activity that normal people do. Meanwhile, back at the house, Chad is working out and Evan is body shaming him for being so swole.
At the yoga studio, JoJo thinks sweaty yoga Chase is "chiseled" and loves his tattoo. They are vibing, y'all! Then they do sexy sitting on each other's laps. And then they make out in front of the yoga lady, who is probably chill about this, let's be real.
Cut to the part of the date where it's nighttime and they're dressed up and ready for serious talking about feelings. JoJo says she didn't know a lot about Chase (same, girl) and they laugh about how weird yoga is.
Chase opens up about his parents divorce and says "marriage is forever," which is plus 10 points for him. JoJo is really feeling his whole deal and how much he values the "sanctity of marriage," so she gives him the date rose.
Then she's got a "surprise" for him ... oh no, it's a private concert. Private concerts are the worst thing that happens in Bachelor-world. It means you have to gently sway and make out in front of a band while they watch you because WHAT ELSE ARE THEY GOING TO LOOK AT. You're the only people there.
Back at the house everyone is sitting on couches feeling stressed. The group date card arrives and basically a million people are going on it, including Chad. He says he'd rather not go and take a one-on-one later, and everyone is like, "YEAH DUH."
Jordan tries to explain the premise of the show to Chad, and it's tense. Chad tells Evan to shut up, so Jordan makes fun of Chad and then they start bickering and Alex the Marine gets involved. Why are men so dramatic?!
Chad says, "You guys wanna go?" which apparently means "Do you want to hit each others' faces with our hands?!?" But then there's no fight so...
The next day, Alex is excited for the date but mad at Chad. They all say bad things about him in the limo. The date is some kind of open-mic sex story-sharing time, which is chill.
Vinny isn't sex-positive though, and he thinks it's weird. Sorry Vinny, you have to share too! JoJo thinks it's important to be able to talk about sex in a relationship, especially when it's on national television, so all the dudes have to share sex stories.
Daniel says he'll talk about sex and "weird things" and "poo is pretty funny." Oh Daniel, never change. The guys are nervous, Vinny is even doing vocal warm-ups. Chad is annoyed because HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX. Sex is private. Chad doesn't want to hear about JoJo's sex life either. No talking, just eating cold cuts.
Evan decides he's going to be naughty and say something bad about Chad, and Alex eggs him on. Onstage, Grant tells a cute story about the first time he had sex and the cops came. For some reason Vinny takes his shirt off. Daniel (horrifically) says he chopped off a piece of a girl's hair once.
Then Evan takes the stage to show shade at Chad by saying that he uses steroids and that's why he's angry all the time. Did he tell a sex story even? Then Chad takes the stage and instead of telling a sex story he makes JoJo come onstage and tries to kiss her in front of everyone but she turns her head to the side. ALL HE GETS IS CHEEK.
JoJo stays out in the audience to get their opinions on all the boys, and Chad goes backstage with the rest of the dudes and threatens Evan and also pushes him and also punches a door. He's super angry and says he's going to "murder someone," which is truly frightening.
Cut to the talking part of the group date, everyone is sitting on a giant couch and JoJo is being diplomatic. Jordan steals her away for some one-on-one chatting about his mistakes in his past relationships. Blah blah blah, Jordan. At least JoJo is into it.
JoJo is having a nice time chatting when Chad walks up and tries to interrupt. Then he throws a complete tantrum because she won't talk to him and rattles a chair like a child.
Sulky Chad is sitting in a couch complaining about everyone when suddenly Evan asks him why he's here and says he should also apologize for ripping Evan's shirt. So Chad says Evan is bullying him and yells "leave me alone."
Back at the house, Cowboy Luke is feeling jealous because he didn't get the one-on-one. James Taylor (no, not THAT James Taylor) gets it and he's super pumped.
On the date, Chad tries again to interrupt JoJo's date by walking around behind her, like a terrifying goblin. Then he makes fun of the other guys for asking her personal questions and for having big heads.
When Chad finally gets his time with JoJo he accidentally says "I'm the bully" and then tries to backtrack. JoJo says she's confused and Chad is like yup. All of a sudden, Evan comes by and interrupts them.
Chad is super pissed and he stalks over to a mirror to make himself feel better. Meanwhile, erectile-dysfunction expert Evan tells JoJo he won't stay if Chad stays. That's right, an ultimatum. Now she has to choose between them or whatever.
Sadly, JoJo tells Evan she can't kick Chad off just for his sake, but she offers him the rose if he'll stay. He says yes and agrees to stay even though Chad is still there. For the sake of true love.
But guess who's not happy about Evan getting a rose? Chad. Chad eye-rolls and grunts right in front of JoJo, and she calls him out on it and says "I don't like this side of you." Chad is so angry that he hocks a loogie on the way back to the limo. CHAD ANGRY. CHAD SMASH.
The next morning in the house, everyone is scared of Chad so they all talk about it during breakfast. So a security guy shows up to watch Chad while he sleeps.
Meanwhile, James Taylor and JoJo go on a boring "vintage"-themed date and he wears suspenders. They take dance lessons from an elderly woman who doesn't just teach them about dance — she teaches them about love. Then they swing dance on the sidewalk while an adorable street urchin that teleported here from the '30s mugs for the camera.
At the house, Chad is annoyed he has a security guard. Then his "friend" Daniel calls him an animal and also compares him to Hitler. And also Mussolini. Chad chomps down on produce and stares at Daniel.
Back on JoJo's boring dance lesson-date, she says nice things to James Taylor and he opens up about being bullied. So she gives him a rose. And he pulls out his guitar. Le sigh.
The morning of the rose ceremony, Chad is grunting and working out while all the dude strategize ways to get rid of him. Chris shows up to hold a little meeting and tells them that the cocktail party is canceled! Instead ... there's going to be an all-day pool party! Yay!
Chad is annoyed JoJo is going to be in a bathing suit and everyone will see it, because he wants to just imagine her body in his head instead of being OK with her wearing a swimsuit around other humans.
Evan chases after Chris Harrison before he leaves the mansion to warn him about Hurricane Chad, and says he fears for his life. Chris says he will "step in" and comes back to give Chad a talking-to.
Chad says all the drama is not his fault and he hasn't started anything. Chris tells Chad he has to go apologize to Evan, basically. Maybe? But Chad takes that as a message that he has to cut everyone's legs and arms off and throw their torsos in the pool.
WHAT!?? WHY DID HE SAY THAT?!!
Anyway, the episode ends on a cliffhanger and we'll have to find out Tuesday night in a special episode whether the pool party ends in a normal rose ceremony or in a bloody massacre. Tune in next time!