Samuel L Jackson Obama Ad is Deplorable and Should Be Pulled Off Air

Honored Sir,

I take this opportunity to write that I am very disappointed in you, Mr. Samuel Leroy Jackson, Esq. For it has come to my knowledge, through dependable sources, that you, sir, are intent on participating in a campaign advertisement for our very own President Obama which, I’m heard, is to feature inconceivably plebeian vulgarities of the uttermost uncouth variety, the kind one would expect to hear only from the mouths of old leprous sailors who, in the face of imminent death, have given up on the salvation of their eternal souls.

Upon hearing the nature of the vernacular to be used in such advertisement, I have to say, I gasped so many times in succession that my brain was eventually deprived of the necessary levels of oxygen to keep me conscious and I collapsed to the ground. After that, I woke up and proceeded to collapse yet again when I remembered the reason why I had collapsed the first time. That process repeated itself about eight times before I could cope with the scandalous nature of those words. That was the aggravating effect they imposed upon me.

I'll have you know, sir, that just this last week I found, wallowing in my morning porridge, a very large swamp rat consuming the meal I had intended for myself. It had only one eye where its nose should be and two fully functional human arms the provenience of which I was unable to ascertain. I was swift to seize that monstrosity and wrestle it to the ground, whereupon I rather literally squeezed the life out of it with my both hands while it shrieked ungodly sounds that were no doubt heard from the farthest reaches of the land and that forebode of fiery vengeance upon me and my kind should it be able to crawl out of the depths of the abyss of damnation I was sending it to.

I then went on to roast the creature in open fire and eat it, together with the porridge that was left from our brief quarrel, for, in these times of strife, it is unwise to squander edibles of any kind, no matter the number of eyes it had in life, or the nature of its squiggly arms.

I share this anecdote with you, sir, to illustrate that language of the kind I’m told is to be used in the advertisement you shall endow with your presence should, as that mutant beast of nameless origin that attempted to appropriate my food, be squished between our fingers (and then eaten with porridge, in the name of frugality), rather than displayed out in the open in the manner you propose to do.

With this, I hope you to reconsider your decisions if you wish to retain your honour before society.

Sequentially,

Your faithful servant,

Daniel Tanure