Ricky Perry: Man of America

I know I am slightly late to this GOP race, and I may be last, but I am most certainly not the least. America is a crossroads. This upcoming presidential election will no doubt be a defining moment in our nation’s history. My opponents have had the chance to reach out to

you, and I think it’s more important than white gravy on Texas Toast that I let you know why I am the man for the job. 

Texas was once its own country, and I've been runnin' that mother like a steam locomotive for years now. Under my careful eye, we have lower unemployment than the national average, and an awesome "rainy day fund" from speedin’ tickets, and a new reality show on Bravo (Word Up Most Eligible Dallas). I am the man for the job, and here's why.

Most politicians are just yes men (or women) lookin' to place their platform in line with popular opinion. They are afraid to make the tough decisions. But not me, no sirey, not Rick. I am a man of my word and the one I like to use most often is "No." No taxes, no to gay marriage, no to spendin' on higher education, no to the constitutional amendments — you name it this kid has said no. I even set a record for most vetoes in a single legislative session back in 2001. While the rest of my opponents sit around soundin’ like broken records, I’m breakin’ records.

And speakin’ of broken records, how about that foolish separation of church and state we got goin’. We need this country to get back to the true Christian values that it was founded upon. The values of George Washington and John Adams (wink, wink Michele). They had it right: Marriage is between a man and a woman, no taxation without representation, guns for everyone.

America isn't without flaw, we are also a country that admits its mistakes. We freed the slaves and later gave African Americans their civil rights once we realized "Hey, that’s not cool." Americans deserve to be free, and much like the a black man's right to vote, we all have the right to fly private without a luxury tax or some crazy carbon footprint tax. So in the tradition of my two favorite things, Black people and Jesus, I leave you with this take on a classic from African-American Rappers Naughty By Nature:

Photo Credit: Donkey Hotey