Monday, British tabloid The Sun reported Adele was in talks to perform the Super Bowl halftime show. It wasn't long before a number of publications began reporting how it would be the star's biggest performance to date.
We're praying that never, ever, ever happens. Adele, if you're reading this, heed our call — don't step out onto the floor of whatever American football stadium is hosting the Super Bowl. Not this year, not next year, not ever.
Super Bowl performances can essentially be divided into two categories: the flashy and fun (Beyoncé Knowles), and the total flops (Black Eyed Peas).
There really hasn't proven to be an in-between. Stars like Prince have been able to retool medleys of iconic hits to match the event's campy energy. Others have had to shoe-horn in gimmicks, like the New Kids on the Block did in 1991, before being cut off by an ABC news interruption on Gulf War developments.
Nothing about Adele's music suggests it would work on an NFL stage. Her act features zero choreography and minimal production, nothing that could get in the way of Adele's strident voice. But Super Bowl party hosts generally don't lay out boxes of tissues, a necessary accoutrements to any Adele listening session.
It's not going to bridge the gap between all those people uninterested in #sports — who nonetheless congregate in basement parties flooded with beer and fried foods — and those trying to carry their team's momentum over from first half to second.
If this move is merely an attempt to get viewers from the other side of the pond to tune in — something the NFL has desperately been trying to do — it's going to do little except create a lot of confusion.
You almost see the puzzled emojis filling the UK tweets now: "So they smash into each other savagely and then soothe their players' concussions with ballads at the half? How odd."
Of course, Adele had a fair share of haters protesting Glastonbury's choice to have her as headliner with veterans calling her music "too boring." She silenced them quick. But the Super Bowl is a different beast.
It's not a celebration of musical excellence, like Glastonbury claims. It's a celebration of musical spectacle.
When Queen Bey walked out flanked by dancers outfitted in Black Panther-themed uniforms during 2016's halftime show to play her confrontational "Formation," it ushered in a new era for the Lemonade artist. Adele has no such song, and really she needs no reinvention. Her 25 tour continues to produce tearjerking, inspiring stories wherever she lands.
The Super Bowl Halftime show is no place a venue for showcasing genuine emotion. It's what drunk people watch for trolling fodder. For that reason, we beg of you, Adele: don't do this.
Aug. 15, 2016, 10:06 a.m.: It seems Adele has heeded our call. During a concert in Los Angeles Saturday night she quashed the rumor once and for all. "First of all, I'm not doing the Super Bowl," she said. "I mean, come on, that show is not about music. And I don't really — I can't dance or anything like that. They were very kind, they did ask me, but I said no."
Later in the weekend, however, the NFL and Pepsi offered a very different statement, insisting they are "big fans of Adele" but never gave her a "formal offer." Great. Glad we're all in agreement that Super Bowl and Adele are better apart.