Sorry, BuzzFeed, but pickles are actually the best thing to ever happen to cucumbers

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If you're going to make the argument that pickles are "fucking disgusting," as one viral BuzzFeed post claimed on Sunday morning, you better make it extra salty. 

Pickles have been around since 2030 B.C., — that's BEFORE Christ — according to the New York Food Museum. Speaking of Jesus, BuzzFeed's article, which has been viewed by more than 200,000 people, was published on the eve of Rosh Hashanah, one of the holiest days of the Hebrew calendar, observed by Jewish people around the world. 

Kosher dill pickles, specifically, "were a dietary staple for Jews living in the Ukraine, Poland, Lithuania and Russia," PBS reported, making their way into American cuisine in the late 1800s when many Jews immigrated to the states and brought their briney delicacy with them. 

Is it almost an act of blasphemy to publish a post belittling a culture's food on an important day celebrated by said culture? I won't make the sour connection, but if there's anything to say, it's that the move lacks flavor. 

Pickles aren't just a jewish thing. Cleopatra loved them, and credited them for keeping her beautiful. Girl ruled ancient Egypt for close to three decades, and she was also a babe. She could speak a ton of languages, had a seductive power over Julius Caesar and Mark Antony and fulfilled today's definition of #BossLady. Eat pickles, get paid.

George Washington was so enamored with pickles, he had a collection of more than 400 varieties. So, a distaste for pickles is basically treasonable.

Aristotle reportedly praised the vegetable-fruit hybrid for its ability to heal, and others like Queen Elizabeth, Thomas Jefferson  and even Shakespeare found love in the fermented cucumber.

Care for more modern admirer of pickles? At her concerts, Selena Gomez keeps pickles backstage. 

Do you know why all of these people have praised pickles so emphatically? They are fucking delicious. 

Pickles add a fantastic mouthfeel to any dish. That's right, mouthfeel. A meat patty sandwiched between two pieces of bread (that's a hamburger, simpletons) has great potential to be dry. But a pickle's presence adds moisture and a cooling effect, balancing out the heaviness of many dishes.. Let's not overlook its crunch: While the patty will crumble upon first bite and the bun may stick to the roof of your mouth, the pickle will juice everything up and ensure you're capable of swallowing. 

Source: Giphy

Even more, they're damn good for you. Pickles are full of fiber, a nutrient that keeps you satiated. Some claim its juices are basically nature's gatorade: The liquid is seriously hydrating and may replenish sodium lost during an intense workout. Some studies have found the green juice can help with cramping and other credit it for putting a stop to heartburn. Seems like BuzzFeed's writer was mistakenly sipping on haterade. 

A jar of pickles just might be straw that breaks the sexist camel's back. Back in August, democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton proved her strength (and standing of good health) on Jimmy Kimmel Live! by opening a jar of pickles — a task that has evolved into a representation of a "man's job" and is often characterized as too difficult for a woman, who, if she's lucky, is both feeble and dainty. A jar of pickles is a start to shattering the glass ceiling. Isn't that something for which we should all be rooting?

Source: Giphy

It must be pointed out that BuzzFeed hand-picked some of the most dismal pickle photos in existence. 

If those were the first images of pickles a person had ever laid eyes on, yes, they might agree that pickles are repulsive. But the article is anti-pickle propaganda at its finest. Let's take a look at some pickle glamour shots, shall we?

A photo posted by (@) on

Nice.

A photo posted by (@) on

Grilled cheese + pickle = a very sound combination.

A photo posted by (@) on

Also nice.

A photo posted by (@) on

Made with love.

A photo posted by (@) on

Very, very nice.

"Whoever created pickles decided to soak perfectly good cucumbers in VINEGAR for several weeks and then eat it," BuzzFeed wrote. "And that is not OK."

Counterpoint: Whomever decided to soak a cucumber in vinegar is, to put it simply, a genius. While the first pickler has not been individually identified, first signs of picklage can be traced back to India, and the food is mentioned in the bible. 

So why genius? A whole cucumber can last for about a week in the refrigerator (and if you'll recall, that appliance wasn't even around before Christ). Pickles? Sliced, whole, chopped or diced, can last one to two years in an open jar in the fridge, and the same amount if left unopened in the pantry. 

That's called preservation. That's called smart snacking. That's called reducing food waste. That's called making sure you and your family have enough to eat all year long, when the harvest is bad, when you live in a cave, when you have to mostly hunt for what you eat. Lacking appreciation for pickles, then, is lacking understanding that not everyone has food to eat — and waste — at their disposal. 

Approximately 50% of the food grown in America is wasted every year. And according to the organization Feed America, the country tosses more than 70 tons of perfectly edible food on an annual basis. That's a gross statistic, considering 48.1 million Americans are food insecure.

To publicly disparage pickles is to be controversial for the sake of being controversial. Please hang up and try again.