The biggest trends of CES 2017 reveal what's wrong with the tech industry right now
What splendors await ye, gadget lovers! Chips stuffed into every object your beautiful brains can fathom! And what's this? A refrigerator with an iPad on it?
The Consumer Electronics Show, happening now, is a symbol of the next wave of consumer tech, and the greatest minds in Silicon Valley have devoted their talents to solving critical world problems like... having to open your fridge to see how many eggs you have left. Behold: a hairbrush equipped with an accelerometer! A toothbrush with artificial intelligence! A bed that will move your body in your sleep if you start snoring!
The most prevalent innovation strategy at CES, apparently, involves developers blindfolding themselves, spinning around a bat three times and then turning whatever dumb object they bang against first into a "smart" one, creating yet another unsecured Wi-Fi network for hackers to manipulate.
If CES is a dispatch from the future, it's a bleak — and surprisingly risky — step in the wrong direction.
Here are the trends from the past few years we hope disappear in a charred pit of poorly invested venture capital:
Connecting refrigerators to the internet
Connecting tampons to the internet
Connecting shower heads to the internet
Connecting lightbulbs to the internet
Connecting candles to the internet
Connecting Post-it notes to the internet
Connecting your bed to the internet
Connecting cute companions to the internet
Connecting Barbie to the internet
Making subservient machines female
Connecting your pet's treat dispenser to the internet
Connecting your pet's collar to the internet
Connecting your pet's food dispenser to the internet
Connecting your pet's water fountain to the internet
Connecting pet gadgets to the internet (please don't get your pets gadgets)
Connecting water bottles to the internet
Connecting toasters to the internet
Connecting toothbrushes to the internet
Connecting baby onesies to the internet
Connecting hoverboards to the internet
Producing more exploding batteries
Connecting yoga mats to the internet
Connecting shoes to the internet
Connecting socks to the internet
Connecting insoles to the internet
Connecting glasses to the internet
Connecting contact lenses to the internet
Connecting your heartbeat to the internet
Connecting your fetus to the internet
Connecting your brain to the internet
Connecting creepy toys to the internet
Handing neo-Nazis a platform to thrive
Connecting basketballs to the internet
Connecting soccer balls to the internet
Connecting tennis racquets to the internet
Connecting baseballs to the internet
Connecting pillboxes to the internet
Connecting hairbrushes to the internet
Connecting pants to the internet
Connecting shirts to the internet
Connecting jackets to the internet
Connecting underwear to the internet
Connecting sports bras to the internet
Connecting belts to the internet
Predominantly white and male keynotes...
...And boards
Connecting forks to the internet
Connecting spoons to the internet
Connecting toilets to the internet
Connecting garbage cans to the internet
Connecting bottle openers to the internet
Connecting wine bottles to the internet
Connecting cocktail shakers to the internet
Blaming the pipeline rather than hiring practices for lack of representation in tech
Blaming a glitch instead of humans for social network snafus
Connecting jump ropes to the internet
Connecting umbrellas to the internet
Connecting frying pans to the internet
Connecting grills to the internet
Connecting egg containers to the internet
Connecting cutting boards to the internet
Connecting rings to the internet
Connecting bracelets to the internet
Connecting necklaces to the internet
Connecting earrings to the internet
More hypocrisy and lack of transparency
Do you notice a pattern here? The internet of things is not only silly, it's downright dangerous.
Remember the hack that took down Twitter, Reddit, Spotify and a whole slew of other websites in 2016? Blame the botnet that compromised connected products like the ones above. What's more, connected dolls have sent children's recordings to military and intelligent agencies, smart fridges have sent malicious emails and security vulnerabilities in medical devices could straight-up kill you.
While we're on the topic, the internet of murder-y things isn't the only tech trend that should eat dust in 2017 — the scant and frankly pathetic progress of diversifying Silicon Valley needs to finally end as well.
Oh, and devices exploding in our faces.
