The biggest trends of CES 2017 reveal what's wrong with the tech industry right now

The biggest trends of CES 2017 reveal what's wrong with the tech industry right now
Source: AP
Source: AP
opinion
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What splendors await ye, gadget lovers! Chips stuffed into every object your beautiful brains can fathom! And what's this? A refrigerator with an iPad on it? 

The Consumer Electronics Show, happening now, is a symbol of the next wave of consumer tech, and the greatest minds in Silicon Valley have devoted their talents to solving critical world problems like... having to open your fridge to see how many eggs you have left. Behold: a hairbrush equipped with an accelerometer! A toothbrush with artificial intelligence! A bed that will move your body in your sleep if you start snoring! 

The most prevalent innovation strategy at CES, apparently, involves developers blindfolding themselves, spinning around a bat three times and then turning whatever dumb object they bang against first into a "smart" one, creating yet another unsecured Wi-Fi network for hackers to manipulate.

If CES is a dispatch from the future, it's a bleak — and surprisingly risky — step in the wrong direction. 

Here are the trends from the past few years we hope disappear in a charred pit of poorly invested venture capital:

Connecting refrigerators to the internet

Connecting tampons to the internet

Connecting shower heads to the internet

Connecting lightbulbs to the internet

Connecting candles to the internet

Connecting Post-it notes to the internet

Connecting your bed to the internet

Connecting cute companions to the internet

Connecting Barbie to the internet

Making subservient machines female

Connecting your pet's treat dispenser to the internet

Connecting your pet's collar to the internet

Connecting your pet's food dispenser to the internet

Connecting your pet's water fountain to the internet

This water fountain for your cat costs $99.
Source: Mic/Pura

Connecting pet gadgets to the internet (please don't get your pets gadgets) 

Connecting water bottles to the internet

Connecting toasters to the internet

Connecting toothbrushes to the internet

Connecting baby onesies to the internet

Connecting hoverboards to the internet

Producing more exploding batteries

Connecting yoga mats to the internet

Connecting shoes to the internet

Connecting socks to the internet

Connecting insoles to the internet

Connecting glasses to the internet

Connecting contact lenses to the internet

Connecting your heartbeat to the internet

Connecting your fetus to the internet

Connecting your brain to the internet

Connecting creepy toys to the internet

Handing neo-Nazis a platform to thrive

Connecting basketballs to the internet

Connecting soccer balls to the internet

Connecting tennis racquets to the internet

Connecting baseballs to the internet

Connecting pillboxes to the internet

Connecting hairbrushes to the internet

This smart hairbrush is around $200
Source: Mic/L'Oréal

Connecting pants to the internet

Connecting shirts to the internet

Connecting jackets to the internet

Connecting underwear to the internet

Connecting sports bras to the internet

Connecting belts to the internet

Predominantly white and male keynotes...

...And conferences

...And boards

...And companies

Connecting forks to the internet

This smart fork is $49.
Source: Hapi

Connecting spoons to the internet

Connecting toilets to the internet

Connecting garbage cans to the internet

Connecting bottle openers to the internet

Connecting wine bottles to the internet

Connecting cocktail shakers to the internet

Blaming the pipeline rather than hiring practices for lack of representation in tech

Blaming a glitch instead of humans for social network snafus 

Connecting jump ropes to the internet

Connecting umbrellas to the internet

Connecting frying pans to the internet

Connecting grills to the internet

Connecting egg containers to the internet

Connecting cutting boards to the internet

Connecting rings to the internet

Connecting bracelets to the internet

Connecting necklaces to the internet

Connecting earrings to the internet

More hypocrisy and lack of transparency

Donald Trump invited a number of tech leaders to a roundtable.
Source: TIMOTHY A. CLARY/Getty Images

Do you notice a pattern here? The internet of things is not only silly, it's downright dangerous. 

Remember the hack that took down Twitter, Reddit, Spotify and a whole slew of other websites in 2016? Blame the botnet that compromised connected products like the ones above. What's more, connected dolls have sent children's recordings to military and intelligent agencies, smart fridges have sent malicious emails and security vulnerabilities in medical devices could straight-up kill you

While we're on the topic, the internet of murder-y things isn't the only tech trend that should eat dust in 2017 — the scant and frankly pathetic progress of diversifying Silicon Valley needs to finally end as well. 

Oh, and devices exploding in our faces.