1. Barack Obama – Put on a pair of big rubber ears. When your friends complain about the party being lame, remind them that they could be at a much, much worse party.
2. Bill Clinton – Hold a cigar. Be formally asked to leave the party by half the guests and then stay anyway.
3. Andrew Jackson – Walk around in a box of hickory.
4. Teddy Roosevelt – Speak softly, then get trashed and rant about fairness til no one wants you there anymore.
5. Jimmy Carter – Carry a bowl of peanuts. Break up a fight and make sure you don’t get credit for it.
6. Zachary Taylor – Have other guests confuse you with John Tyler (couples costume).
7. George Washington – Replace your teeth with wooden dentures. Have all parties within a 100-mile radius put up plaques saying you were there.
8. Richard Nixon – Sweat profusely.
9. Ronald Reagan – Grow a phenomenal head of hair. Be confident that no matter how you behave, you will be the standard to which all other guests are held.
10. John F. Kennedy – Be very handsome. Take a shot and then let everyone else at the party speculate wildly about why.
11. Franklin D. Roosevelt – Come with your cousin. Stay at the party for way longer than maybe in retrospect you should have.
12. William Henry Harrison – Leave wherever you go within 40 minutes of arriving.
13. George W. Bush – Hope everyone forgets who you are and, if pressed, just say you’re a cowboy.