Why won't fashion just let pants be pants?

Source: Topshop/Instagram

These are troubling times we're living in, and that feeling of anxiety and dread is evident no clearer then by the fact that fashion is currently obsessed with pants that are not pants.

When we say "pants that are not pants," what we mean is that fashion is trying to sell us pants that do not have the two credentials you'd assume an article of clothing have to have in order to be considered pants: Covering your butt and both of your legs, even just a little bit. 

Don't believe us? Well, just one example of this hellscape of not-pant-pants we're living in now is Topshop's latest offering of entirely clear, plastic pants that they're selling for $100

Topshop's totally clear pants
Source: 
Topshop

According to Topshop's website, they are 100% Polyurethane, so exactly two words come to mind when we see these: Moisture buildup. And that ain't pretty. 

Imagine, like, walking two blocks in these and then you feel that sticky feeling of sitting in a plastic lawn chair for too long on a summer day, except your entire legs and butt are sweating and dripping and sticking, and then you look down and realize, like, oh, I'm building a fucking environment in my pants right now. 

We wouldn't risk it. 

A few months ago, Topshop was selling a less egregious form of these pants, which just had plastic over the knees, for reasons we have not identified yet. 

Clear-kneed mom jeans
Source: 
Nordstrom

Of course people were freaked out, but in actuality, those were pants, because they met the credentials of covering your butt and some part of your legs. 

Want another one example? Cuz we have it! How about these half pants, that don't even bother to cover half of your legs and butt, therefore removing itself from the "pants" category. 

A photo posted by (@) on

A photo posted by (@) on

These sprung up just a little over a week ago as a "Coachella trend," which should tell you everything you need to know about how unnecessary and truly cruel they are to even try to exist in this world we are living in. 

And we aren't even done yet. In early April, right around the time of these half-pants, there were what we'll be calling "the butt pants." These butt pants come from a partnership between the obscure French brand Vetements and Levi's and they come equipped with a zipper right down the butt. 

A photo posted by (@) on

That's right. Right down it. 

A photo posted by (@) on

Imagine sitting down in these. Imagine dancing in these. Imagine walking in these. Imagine doing anything in these and not being deathly afraid of that tiny little zipper revealing your whole butt. 

A photo posted by (@) on

The horror. 

Asking price? $1,767

Right. 

Source: Imgur

But it's not just not-pant-pants that are drawing attention. Even regular pants, by our very scientific definition above, are being tampered with, creating this culture of outrage surrounding pants, something people apparently have strong feelings about.

On Tuesday morning, Fox & Friends dedicated an entire 2-minute-and-54-second segment to these already mud-stained pants, which are going for $425 over at Nordstrom. 

Already mud-stained pants at Nordstrom
Source: 
Nordstrom

Some of the things these Fox people had to say about them? "They're for people who wanna pretend they have a dirty job." "It's for the trust fund baby. It's for the kid who inherits the millions of dollars, the kid who doesn't want to work hard and wants to go into Nordstrom, pay a lot of money and act like they work." (Feel free to watch more of the outrage here.) 

Now, we don't know about all that, but for the record these are pants. Really, they are! Look at the way they cover both the butt and actually, for once, the entire leg. It's a miracle! 

So why include them in this list? Well, it's just another sign that when it comes to pants right now, the fashion world is trying to fuck with us. Like, really fuck with us. 

So fashion industry insiders, designers and, yeah, Instagram influences, we beg of you: Give us pants that are pants. We have enough to worry about already. 

How likely are you to make Mic your go-to news source?

Rachel Lubitz

Rachel is a senior Style writer at Mic. She previously worked for The Washington Post's Style section for more than three years. Feel free to contact her at rachel@mic.com.

MORE FROM

The best looks from NYC Pride 2017 you shouldn't miss

People took to the streets of New York City over the weekend to show their support of LGBTQ people across the globe.

Woman kicked out of pool for wearing "inappropriate" one-piece bathing suit

"This is how rape culture continues to grow," the woman's fiancée wrote in a viral Facebook post.

What Melania Trump wore her 22nd week as first lady — the week she appeared nearly every day

Looks like the move to the White House has changed Melania Trump's reputation as an invisible first lady.

Jennifer Lopez wants you to know that this pic of her flawless abs is not airbrushed, thanks very much

Thanks for asking, but no, that's really what Jennifer Lopez looks like.

In case you ever doubted it, being an unsigned model is hard as hell

'Mic' spoke to a number of unsigned models to find out how they manage it all.

This beauty brand is empowering women every morning with positive affirmations

RealHer wants to make women's morning routines about feeling good, as opposed to feeling pressure to "look good."

The best looks from NYC Pride 2017 you shouldn't miss

People took to the streets of New York City over the weekend to show their support of LGBTQ people across the globe.

Woman kicked out of pool for wearing "inappropriate" one-piece bathing suit

"This is how rape culture continues to grow," the woman's fiancée wrote in a viral Facebook post.

What Melania Trump wore her 22nd week as first lady — the week she appeared nearly every day

Looks like the move to the White House has changed Melania Trump's reputation as an invisible first lady.

Jennifer Lopez wants you to know that this pic of her flawless abs is not airbrushed, thanks very much

Thanks for asking, but no, that's really what Jennifer Lopez looks like.

In case you ever doubted it, being an unsigned model is hard as hell

'Mic' spoke to a number of unsigned models to find out how they manage it all.

This beauty brand is empowering women every morning with positive affirmations

RealHer wants to make women's morning routines about feeling good, as opposed to feeling pressure to "look good."