Hey girl. Can we talk? Don’t take this the wrong way; I’m sure you’re a nice storm and everything, and we might even be pals if we got to know each other better, but right now, you’re pissing us off. Hard. Even the Betches have declared you a BSCB (“Bat Shit Crazy Bitch”) and their tolerance for crazy is higher than Dina Lohan’s therapist's.
So not to pry, but we have a few questions about your behavior. First off, why do you hate Canada? Going all Frankenstorm on them with your Canadian arctic front. Shame on you! Don’t you know that Canadians are afraid of the dark? A power outage will create lasting national psychic wounds. How I Met Your Mother blew the lid off that secret.
Plus, those Canadians are just so freaking nice. And have you been to Vancouver? They’re having a sandwich renaissance right now. A golden age! Of sandwiches!
Speaking of people who do not deserve your wrath, way to ruin Halloween for the children.
All over New England trick or treating is being canceled because it’s too dangerous to go outside. “Sorry little Aidan and Chloe with an “e,” put your dinosaur costumes away, that pillowcase full of once-a-year non-organic mini-treasures isn’t worth getting flying hurricane shrapnel embedded in your tiny body.” Way to go. You are literally taking candy from children. Even Bloomberg isn’t doing that. Yet.
So anyway, you’ve done some things, and now we at PolicyMic are coming to you for a truce. You’re a Darwinian gal; we get it. We’re hip. We saw Cloud Atlas; “Weak is meat” and all that. I bet you even hope these puppies drown.
Even if you don’t care about the meek, don’t underestimate the youths. We may be underemployed. We may not always wear closed toed shoes to appropriate events. But if you take away our Internet, you will be sorry. We are housebound, bored, working remotely, and have serious social media addictions. You’ve been warned.
The Stir Crazy Hordes