Bury me in Rihanna's new Manolo Blahnik shoe collection

Bury me in Rihanna's new Manolo Blahnik shoe collection
Rihanna at Cannes Arthur Mola/AP
Rihanna at Cannes Arthur Mola/AP

The first time I laid eyes on Rihanna's new collection with Manolo Blahnik was probably when you all did too: When she was sweatily feeling herself in that sheer blue dress in the immediately iconic "Wild Thoughts" music video. There they were, looking like jewels inlaid in Rihanna's legs, from her toes to nearly her knee.

"Wild Thoughts" YouTube

At first glance, I thought: what kind of Jasmine-from-Aladdin masterpiece? Where did these shoes come from, and how do I get them on my legs immediately? Then I realized that Rihanna, a quietly amazing and innovative designer, probably had a hand in creating them.

And sure enough, I was right.

On her Instagram account — the only Instagram account worth following — Rihanna's been showing us sneak peeks at her latest collection with Manolo Blahnik. After first popping up Saturday, there they were again on Wednesday, with Rihanna giving them a name — "poison ivy" — and namedropping the new collection: So Stoned.

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Of course it's a double entendre. Rihanna loves a good blunt, as evidenced by her long-standing love affair with marijuana. But as I became more and more obsessed with this shoe's concept, I had my questions. Like, with all the clear plastic straps going on, how does one avoid the inevitable leg sweat and blisters? Also, if you were to put your not-Rihanna-thin legs into these shoes, would your legs end up looking like fresh Italian sausages?

Maybe I'm overthinking it.

Rihanna has a rather glorious history with slightly concerning shoes. For her first collaboration with Blahnik, she launched these shoe-pants, which were like assless chaps but at the top there was a belt and then at the bottom of the pants there were heels.

Even then, I had questions about them, like: What do you wear underneath these shoes, and is there a height requirement? I got over it, though, after reorganizing my life and realizing that I should never doubt — and only trust — Rihanna. My life, it should be noted, has been spectacular since making this assessment.

Back to this collection, though. Rihanna has created for me the only sexy mule that has ever existed. Usually for me, mules (or slide shoes that have one strap down at the toes and a low heel) remind me of quirky art teachers from upstate New York or women who go to too many farmer's markets and only talk about farmer's markets. Needless to say, I don't identify or relate to either of those women.

The word "mule" too for me is just generally offensive, so I hope Rihanna has never uttered it.

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But I guess with Rihanna behind it, gluing a bunch of red jewels to it, naming it "spice" and adding a lucite heel, I'm all in.

Same goes for the third shoe style she's shown off, which is a high heel with a strap across the top of the foot that's covered in blue jewels.

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At the toe, there's another, clear, plastic strap, which does indeed make me concerned about sweat and sticking and blisters, but with a name like "Bajan princess" and jewels that look cool and not like something that's glued onto a shoe at Burlington Coat Factory, again I am all the fuck in.

Shower me in jewels and plastic and lucite heels, Rihanna, I'm all here for you and these shoes.