Economists will note that a handful of issues essential to the future welfare of this country have been relegated to the back pages of magazines nobody reads, while the candidates go on debating who’s more into coal mining. Like what about the home mortgage interest deduction — doesn’t it drive up housing prices, disproportionately hurting lower-income families? Or how about a tax on high-frequency trading? Or selling marijuana at Walgreens, taxing it like beer and easing state prison budgets?
These are important issues, no doubt. But the Constitution of the United States doesn’t say anything about high-frequency trading. It does say that a president must be (at least) 35 years old. Connor Ratliff of Woodside, Queens, is running for president, and he’s 37 years old. That’s super close to 35. I’m voting for Connor Ratliff because he best fits the description of a president as laid out by the founders. Also, not a drone fan — I’m a hand-to-hand combat purist. And Connor Ratliff has held a yellow belt in Taekwondo since the 7th grade — he even told me he has the certificate to prove it while I was fact-checking this article.
Naysayers will point out that Connor Ratliff hasn’t even registered with the Federal Elections Commission. That’s true. Some followers of the campaign may note that, despite an actual hour and a half focus group with real civilians, one of them, when asked at the end, still had know idea who Connor Ratliff was. But just the other day, an actual person wrote-in Connor Ratliff on his ballot and posted a picture of it to Instagram (is that legal?). So the point is, it’s official enough. The 35Ratliff2012 campaign is only a joke insofar as voting for Barack Obama or Mitt Romney if you live outside Ohio or Florida is not a joke. Oh yes, did I mention that Connor Ratliff is 37 years old Which is very close to the age mentioned in the constitution, which also isn’t a joke.
But James, you type into the comments section, don’t you know that Jefferson wrote to Madison that a constitution should expire every 19 years, thereby ensuring that each generation governs itself? Yeah, I know. But here’s the thing — I don’t like old people that much. Barack Obama is 51. Do you want to give the incumbent another four years, just so he can flagrantly move even further in age from 35? And Mitt Romney is 65! We can’t have a 65-year-old in office. He calls China a currency manipulator. I call him a Constitution manipulator, giving a middle finger to the age mandate. That’s not okay. Also, nothing else is okay about Mitt Romney.
But this isn’t about Mitt Romney or Bronco Bamma. This is about a 37-year-old man from Queens who has a dream to be president. But James, you sing into the comments section, what are Ratliff’s policy positions? The answer there is simple: Ratliff has “permanent solutions to now problems.”™ He’s been saying that since his first (only) press conference back in July. He also has a campaign store on cafepress.com, and you can buy a super expensive stadium blanket with his face on it.
You shouldn’t just take my word on all this. You should watch today's 12-hour election day special coverage on The Chris Gethard Show. It’s a real public access TV show on MNN, but you can also watch online at thechrisgethardshow.com. Ratliff and his campaign staff will be watching the big board, counting down each state until white mothers in suburban Ohio between the ages of 25 and 30 that own Hondas and DVD box sets of My So Called Life cast their crucial ballots, giving Ratliff that magic 270 electoral votes. Which, if you think about it, is really unnecessary. 35 sounds like a winning number to me.